Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

About the Authors

Joseph Grenny is a New York Times bestselling author and has contributed regularly to Harvard Business Review and Forbes. He is cofounder of Crucial Learning, an organization that offers courses in communication, performance and leadership. Joseph is also the cofounder and current board chair of Unitus Labs, an international nonprofit, and also cofounded The Other Side Academy (TOSA), a residential school that teaches vocational and life skills to people with histories of crime, addiction, and homelessness.

Kerry Patterson is an expert in organizational behavior, interpersonal communication, and corporate training. He has coauthored several New York Times bestsellers and has been recognized in the media as an expert in workplace communication and organizational change. Kerry has a PhD from Sandford University, where he begin researching the challenges associated with maintaining a healthy organization, and he has taught at the Marriott School of Management at Brigham Young University. He is also confounder of Crucial Learning.

Ron McMillan is a New York Times bestselling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for organizational change. He has spoken at hundreds of conferences, conventions, and management retreats, as well as delivered keynote addresses for Fortune 500 organizations, including AT&T and Nike. He performs research and is a recognized expert in influence, leadership, and workplace communication 

Al Switzler is a New York Times bestselling author, keynote speaker, and leading social scientist for organizational change. He has delivered keynotes for companies including AT&T, Xerox, IBM, and Sprint. He is CEO and cofounder of Crucial Learning and has helped thousands of organizations, including more than three hundred of the Fortune 500, realize quick, hard-hitting results through its award-winning training programs.

Emily Gregory is a Crucial Conversations coauthor. She is also an speaker and consultant at Crucial Learning. She has a medical degree from the University of Utah and a Master of Business Administration from the Marriott School of Management at Brigham Young University. Her work focuses on identifying and teaching behaviors crucial to effective leadership and personal management.

Sources: CrucialLearning.com, allamericanspeakers.com, and the book.

Our one-sentence summary

When stakes are high and emotions begin to flare up, learning Crucial Conversations skills can guide you through an effective communication approach, so that you can work through disagreements and obtain better outcomes.

Publisher’s Summary

“The book that revolutionized business communications has been updated for today’s workplace. Crucial Conversations provides powerful skills to ensure every conversation―especially difficult ones―leads to the results you want. Written in an engaging and witty style, it teaches readers how to be persuasive rather than abrasive, how to get back to productive dialogue when others blow up or clam up, and it offers powerful skills for mastering high-stakes conversations, regardless of the topic or person.

This new edition addresses issues that have arisen in recent years. You’ll learn how to:

• Respond when someone initiates a Crucial Conversation with you
• Identify and address the lag time between identifying a problem and discussing it
• Communicate more effectively across digital mediums

When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, you have three choices: Avoid a crucial conversation and suffer the consequences; handle the conversation poorly and suffer the consequences; or apply the lessons and strategies of Crucial Conversations and improve relationships and results.

Whether they take place at work or at home, with your coworkers or your spouse, Crucial Conversations have a profound impact on your career, your happiness, and your future. With the skills you learn in this book, you’ll never have to worry about the outcome of a Crucial Conversation again.”

Source: Book Jacket

Detailed Summary

PREFACE 

Chapter 1: What’s a Crucial Conversation?

• A crucial conversation is one where opinions vary, stakes are high, and emotions run strong. The outcome of these conversations can have an impact on your relationships or work.
  • Examples of crucial contestations include asking a friend to repay a loan, giving a coworker feedback, asking in-laws to quit interfering, etc.
• A key determining factor in these conversations and whether they are successful is lag time (i.e., the time it takes between the problem emerging and us addressing it.)
  • The real damage often happens in this lag time. For instance, a boss who fails to meet deadlines sparks a situation that could turn into office gossip and generalized mistrust if, instead of having a conversation about their weakness, we only see and talk with others about it.
• When facing a crucial conversation, we have three options. Either we avoid it, handle it poorly, or handle it well.

1. 1. When we avoid crucial conversations, we often back away because we feel like engaging will make things worse. But when we don’t address issues, it becomes the lens through which we see the other person.
   2. When we handle it poorly, we exaggerate, yell, withdraw, or say things we later regret. This happens because:
      1. Our brains react to interpersonal threats in the same way that they react to physical threats. We trigger our fight-or-flight instincts.
      2. When we’re under pressure or caught out of nowhere, our brain goes into survival mode.
      3. When we want to begin the conversation, we have no idea where to start or how to make our message sound non-threatening (so we improvise instead of prepare).
      4. We act in self-defeating ways (e.g., instead of talking, we drop hints, make sarcastic remarks, or snap), and make problems bigger.

• Mastering crucial conversations can help in your personal life and also in your career development. Research shows that silence is a key factor in organizations’ failures. Having crucial conversations effectively is associated with success.

Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations

• The Fool’s Choice is a belief that we only have two options: candor or kindness. But the truth is we can have crucial conversations that are honest and respectful. Yet most people will hold on to their opinions to avoid angering others.
• At the core of every crucial conversation, there should be a free flow of information or dialogue. Each person has a different perspective, and everyone should be able to share it to make better choices. People need to feel safe for them to feel comfortable speaking up.
• Part I of this book covers preparation for a crucial conversation.
• Part II teaches how to recognize signs of trouble and how to create the right conditions to have a crucial conversation.
• Part III is about tools and strategies to make the most out of these conversations.

PART 1 – WHAT TO DO BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Chapter 3: Choose Your Topic

• A common mistake we make is assuming that just because we’re having a conversation we’re addressing the correct topic. But we often don’t, and that’s why we end up having the same conversation over and over.
• When having a crucial conversation, choosing the right topic takes effort. We don’t often stop and think, and instead, we default to:
  • Dealing with the easy part of the topic, the one we feel we can address successfully, hoping it will lead to the root cause of the problem. But it rarely does.
  • Dealing with the most recent event as an example of the bigger issue, without really addressing the root cause. We do this because 1) we can actually remember specifics and 2) we don’t want to appear like we have been keeping count.
• Having the wrong conversation can keep us stuck. To determine if that’s happening, look for the following three signs.

1. 1. Your emotions escalate. You become frustrated.
   2. You walk away skeptical, feeling like nothing is really going to change.
   3. You’ve had the same conversation a few times before. If that’s the case, the problem is not them but that we are not bringing up the right topic of conversation.

• To find the right issue you need to address, there are three main strategies.

1. Unbundle. Examine each part of the issue, level by level. Use the acronym CPR to remember each level:
   1. If this is the first time the problem has happened, it’s probably a content-level issue. If the action itself or its immediate consequences are the problem, it is at the content level. E.g., you’re giving a presentation, and your team member keeps interrupting and talking over you.
   2. If a problem happens more than twice, it’s probably a pattern.
   3. If the problem continues, and issues about trust, competence, respect, etc., emerge, then it’s a relationship-level issue.
   4. There is a fourth aspect to consider. Sometimes the problem doesn’t fall into any of these levels. It becomes about process – how we communicate the issue at hand.

2. Choose. Filter out all the things that bother you, finding the priority. Determine your goal and what’s keeping you from achieving it. Ask yourself, “What do I really want?”
3. Simplify. Narrow down the problem to a succinct statement. If you take too many words to describe the problem, then take it as a sign that you’re not ready to talk about it. It signals that you’re uncomfortable, watering down the message, and unprepared.

• For now, just focus on defining a clear truth for yourself (the next chapters will cover how to communicate better).
• Be alert to when topics change. Often, when we identify the issue at a pattern or relationship level, and try to have a conversation, the other person inadvertently will make it a content-level conversation.
  • People default to talking about recent or easy topics. You need to be careful to make it about the bigger root.
    • E.g., you’re a manager and notice that for the last six months, one of your designers has given you basic quality work. He used to be one of the most creative. You talk to him, and he immediately defaults to excusing himself for the latest deliverable. You need to be strategic to keep yourself on the bigger topic and root cause.
  • The exception to this strategy is when the person shares an issue that is bigger than yours (e.g., a coworker keeps failing to do her part of the work and is putting your neck on the line. When you talk to her, she shares that something related to sexual harassment is causing her to have difficulty concentrating. In this case, you’d probably want to change the topic to help her find assistance).

Chapter 4: Start With Heart

• An essential part of having a crucial conversation is working on ourselves first. It’s easy to notice others’ behaviors, but we don’t often notice our part in an issue.
• The first thing we have to do is decipher our motives. Sometimes, we engage in conflict thinking that we know why, only to realize later that our root motive was not clear. Other times, conversations shift and provide you with a new motive.
  • E.g., in a conversation, someone might say something that makes you feel threatened, and you forget that the initial motive was to solve the issue. Now, your motive is getting back at the person. This is usually a result of our emotions taking over. And it happens unconsciously.
  • To counter this, ask yourself, “What do I really want for myself/others/the relationship?” Then, ask yourself, “What do I need to do right now to move us toward what I really want?”
• The second thing to do is refuse the Fool’s Choice. Instead of thinking of the conflict in terms of either/or think of it in terms of and. And lets you set up new choices.
  • Once you’ve clarified what you really want, define what you definitely don’t want. Then, ask yourself a question that combines what you want and you don’t want to force you to find a solution.
  • E.g., you want to have a discussion where everyone is respectful and candid. You don’t want people to be shut down by an overbearing and dominant person. You also don’t want relationships to be damaged. Your question is therefore, “How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?” 

Chapter 5: Master My Stories

• When emotions are under control, most of us can have a conversation. It’s when they flare up that the conversations become difficult. Hence, how we respond to our emotions is key.
• We often say things like, “He made me mad.” But the truth is, nobody generates our emotions but ourselves. And once an emotion is triggered, it’s up to us to master them and not let them take control over us.
• Those who aren’t good at dialogue become a hostage to their emotions. The ones who are good try to control them by faking or suppressing them (both of which are not good strategies in the long run). But those who are great at conversations act on their emotions. When they have strong feelings, they think through their emotions and choose their behavior.
• To rethink our emotions, we first need to know where our feelings come from. There is usually a story that we tell ourselves to make sense of what’s happening. The problem is, during conflict, we tend to make assumptions and become unable to question them.
• When we learn to master our stories, we take ownership of our emotions. To do that, the authors recommend a strategy called, Retrace Your Path.

1. 1. Notice Your Behavior. Two main cues that signal it’s time to pause and retrace your path are 1) you’re feeling strong negative emotions and 2) you’re not happy with the results you’re getting. It’s likely that an unhelpful story is driving your behavior. At this point, you need to stop and consider how others view your actions.
   2. Put Your Feelings Into Words. Verbalize your emotions. Identifying emotions is harder than it seems. Being able to know what you’re feeling will help you have a better approach to dealing with what’s going on. Ask yourself, “What emotions are causing me to act this way?”
   3. Analyze Your Stories. Question your feelings and stories. Ask yourself if, given the circumstances, what you’re feeling is right. That is, what story must I be telling myself to create these emotions? What story is triggering them?
   4. Get Back to the Facts. When a story overpowers us and we think it’s a fact, we need to consciously look for evidence that disproves it. Watch out for hot words that create strong emotions (e.g., he violated the plan and stole my slides), and look for evidence that contradicts your story. Ask yourself, “What evidence do I have that supports the story I’m telling myself?”
   5. Watch Out for Three Clever Stories. Clever stories are self-justifying narratives that we tell ourselves and others to make us feel good about behaving badly. There are three main types of clever stories:
      1. Victim Stories: When we make ourselves innocent sufferers, ignoring the role we played in the problem. We exaggerate our innocence.
      2. Villain Stories: When we turn a normal, decent human into a villain with a bad motive. We exaggerate others’ guilt or foolishness.
      3. Helpless Stories: When we make ourselves powerless to do anything helpful or healthy. We convince ourselves that there were no other options but to act the way we did.

• Once you’ve retraced your path, you can Retell the Story. To do so, turn victims into actors, villains into humans, and the helpless into able. Ask yourself,
  • What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?
  • Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?
  • What do I really want? And what should I do right now to move toward what I really want?

PART 2 – HOW TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH

Chapter 6: Learn To Look

• Sometimes, communication unravels and our crucial conversation fails. To maintain dialogue, we need to learn a dual process where we are attentive to what’s being said as well as to how it’s being said.
• When we’re caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to understand what’s going on and why. To spot whether a conversation is turning crucial, learn to notice physical signs in your body. For instance, some people’s stomachs get tight. Others’ eyes get dry.
  • You can also monitor your emotions or behavior. If you’re becoming quiet or raising your voice, you should take a step back, slow down, and retrace your steps.
• Another strategy to keep the dialogue healthy is learning to look for safety problems. A conversation will become crucial if one person feels unsafe. So, we need to learn to turn our attention to why others might not feel safe.
  • A conversation is safe when meaning is flowing. It’s not about comfort but about feeling like we can share our thoughts honestly and respectfully.
• When people feel unsafe, they’ll act in annoying ways: they’ll make fun of you, become sarcastic, insult you, etc. (The next chapter covers how to respond). Two types of behavior will signal that the person feels unsafe:

1. 1. Silence. The person will purposely withhold information from the dialogue. The three most common forms of silence are:
      1. Masking – understating true opinions whether through sarcasm, sugarcoating, or couching.
      2. Avoiding – steering away from sensitive subjects.
      3. Withdrawing – literally leaving the conversation.
   2. The person will use verbal attempt to convince, control, or compel others to their point of view.
      1. Controlling – coercing others or dominating the conversation (interrupting, overstating or speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, using directive questions, etc.).
      2. Labeling – categorizing people or ideas so that we can dismiss them under a stereotype or category that’s usually negative.
      3. Attacking – belittling or even threatening others.

• Monitoring our own behavior can be hard. To help with that, the authors developed a test to assess our individual behavior when we’re under stress (visit com to take the test online). The results of this test will indicate how well you communicate when it matters most.

Chapter 7: Make It Safe

• When people are becoming silent or violent, you know safety is at risk. To restore it, you first need to understand that safety is about intent (rather than content). People either noticed a bad intent toward them or misunderstood a good intent.
  • If the first is true, you need to go back and Start With the Heart (Ch. 4).
  • When the latter is true, you need to let people know about your intent.
• For people to feel safe, you need to let them know two main things about your intent: that you care about their concerns and about them.
  • Mutual purpose means that you both are working towards the same goal as a result of the conversation. And, you both care about each other’s interest, values, etc. In rare instances, it will be difficult to find a mutual purpose. In that case, seek mutual understanding.
  • Mutual respect is threatened when people begin to defend their dignity. When people feel disrespected, emotions will flare up.
• To build up safety in the conversation, or to rebuild it,

1. 1. Share your good intent. People tend to assume the worst, so start the conversation by explaining what your intentions and goals are.
   2. Apologize when appropriate. If the conversation is due to a mistake you made, start by apologizing, sincerely expressing sorrow for what you did (or failed to do).
   3. Contrast to fix misunderstandings. Contrasting is a two-part statement where you clarify misunderstandings. You start by explaining what you don’t intend for the conversation (addressing the person’s probable concerns) and follow with what you do want out of the conversation (confirming your respect for the other person).
   4. Create a mutual purpose. When the people in the conversation have different purposes, contrasting won’t work. In that case, you need to create a mutual purpose. The authors describe four skills to do that (forming the acronym CRIB).
      1. Commit to seeking a mutual purpose. Voice your commitment to stay in the conversation until you find a solution that serves everyone.
      2. Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. Ask people what they want and why.
      3. Invent a mutual purpose. With everyone’s purpose being clear, compatible goals will emerge. If purposes don’t appear compatible, come up with common strategies to meet a long-term, broader goal.
      4. Brainstorm new strategies. With a clear mutual purpose, find a solution that works for everyone.

Chapter 8: STATE My Path

• At this point in the crucial conversation, you are prepared and ready to share your point of view. The problem is that when the stakes are high and emotions rise, we tend to share it in a way that triggers defensiveness. We need to learn to communicate in a way that maintains safety.
• Honesty can offend others. But being candid and keeping safety is possible. We need:

1. 1. Confidence: We should be confident that our opinions matter in the conversation, and that we can express them without offending anyone.
   2. Humility: Confidence doesn’t mean arrogance. We need to embrace the reality that we don’t always have the absolute truth and be curious about others’ perspectives.
   3. Skill: When we practice and repeat the strategies (below) that allow for candor and safety, we become better at having crucial conversations.

• There are five skills that can help you communicate better. We can remember them using the acronym STATE. The first three skills represent what to say, and the last two, how to say it.

1. 1. Share your facts. Retrace your Path to Action to the facts. To identify them, remember that facts are not controversial. These facts are the starting point of your dialogue. If we don’t first share facts, our conclusions are unsupported, and people will fill in the gaps themselves.
      • Remember you’re sharing your facts and not the That means we should be able to create space for other facts.
   2. Tell your story. If you begin the conversation by sharing your story without first establishing the facts, you won’t be able to go back and share them. Lead the other person down your Path to Action so that, when you share your story, it makes sense to them why you arrived at such a conclusion.

• • • If at some point the other person becomes defensive, take a step back and rebuild by

1. 3. Ask for others’ paths. Once you share your facts and stories, invite the other person to do the same. Use open-ended questions (e.g., What’s your perspective?) and listen. But you have to be open and mean it when you encourage them to express their views. Be curious and humble.
   4. Talk tentatively. Describe your facts and stories in a tentative tone (i.e., non-dogmatic way). Use language that makes it sound like a story and not a fact (e.g., “I believe…,” “In my opinion…,”).

• • • It’s not about changing the degree of confidence expressed. You’re trying to share your personal conviction but not present it as the absolute truth.
    • Avoid phrases like, “This is probably not true, but…” or “Call me crazy, but…” These sound like disclaimers and suggest doubt.

1. 5. Encourage testing. When you invite others to share their stories, do it in a way that lets them know that you want to hear them out, no matter how controversial their ideas. Invite opposing views and play devil’s advocate if necessary. 

Chapter 9: Explore Others’ Paths

• During a crucial conversation, if others start getting silent or violent, you can take steps to make them feel safer. Adding to the strategies covered in chapter seven, the authors recommend restoring safety by Exploring Others’ Paths.
  • To do so, you need to be sincere when you invite others to share their points of view. Be curious, even if they’re getting violent.
  • Stay curious. If you notice your emotions rising up, ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?”
  • Be patient. It’s going to take a while for people to settle down because strong emotions take time to subdue.
• Explore Others’ Paths is about encouraging people to retrace their paths. They’re likely starting this conversation at the end of their Path to Action. They’ve told themselves stories and generated feelings, and if you’re at the end of their accusations, you need to patiently guide them through their paths so that you can understand where they’re coming from.
• To do that, you need the following tools (remember them with the acronym AMPP):

1. 1. Invite people to express themselves, showing genuine interest. You can say, “I really want to hear your thoughts,” for instance.
   2. If asking people to open up doesn’t work, mirroring can help. At this point, all the information you have is what the person has done and the emotions that they might have hinted. Mirroring is describing how they look or act. But we have to do it calmly. With an appropriate tone, you can say something like, “You seem angry with me.”
   3. Once you get the person to open up a little, you can begin to understand why they feel the way they feel. To build additional safety, paraphrase what they’ve shared, using a tone that signals that it is okay.
   4. Priming is about taking your best guess at what the other person might be thinking, and asking about it in a way that shows it’s fine with you to discuss the issue.

• • Note that priming is a last resort. Often, if the person doesn’t want to open up and we continue to push, we might start to violate respect and be seen like we’re prying. At times, we need to back off. When you’re sure that people want to talk but they don’t because they still feel unsafe, only then you can prime.
• Once people open up and start sharing, you might find that you disagree. In this case, the authors recommend the reader to “remember your ABCs” (p. 204).

1. 1. Focus on the areas you do agree on and start from there.
   2. Sometimes, when we disagree on something, it’s only on a portion of the story. Share the views that you agree on and then build on them. Instead of correcting someone (e.g., “Wrong. You forgot about…), say, “Yeah, that’s true. In addition, I’ve noticed that…”
   3. If you do disagree almost completely, compare your path to the other person’s path. Don’t suggest that they’re wrong, but that you differ (e.g., “I see things differently. Let me describe how.”)

Chapter 10: Retake Your Pen

• The title of this chapter is based on the metaphor that you are the author of your story, as long as you hold your own pen. With that in mind, the authors explain that feedback, no matter how tough, only has the power to hurt us is we allow it.
• Feedback hurts whenever it threatens our psychological needs: safety (physical, social, or material) and worth. In these cases, we will react to feedback by feeling hurt, shame, fear, or anger.
  • We should look to others for information. But sometimes, we begin to look for them for definition. And that’s a problem because we’re giving our pens to others.
• There are four main tools that help you take the benefit of feedback without getting hurt (you can remember them with the acronym CURE):

1. 1. Collect yourself. Breathe deeply and slowly, reminding yourself that you’re safe. Name your emotions, sooth yourself with the truth, and re-confirm your self-worth.
   2. Be curious. Ask your questions and ask for examples. Then, listen and detach yourself from what’s being said, as if they were speaking about someone else.
   3. Take some time to emotionally recover and process what you’ve heard. Give yourself permission to feel and recover before evaluating the feedback.
   4. Examine the feedback. If you’re feeling safe and have reestablished your worth, start looking for the truth (rather than counterarguing the feedback).

PART 3 – HOW TO FINISH

Chapter 11: Move to Action

• After having a crucial conversation, it’s common for us to find that nothing changes. This happens because we either didn’t discuss expectations, or we did a poor job of acting on the decisions that we made.
• The end of a crucial conversation is key. If you aren’t careful to clarify the conclusion and decision-making processes, people will inevitably violate your future expectations.
• To avoid ideas dissipating and people not acting on what was discussed, you need to make sure that, within the dialogue, you both decide how to decide. That is, make clear how decisions will be made.
• There are four methods of decision-making:

1. 1. This is when we either make decisions autonomously within our own areas of responsibility, or we turn decisions to others and follow their lead. These are the most common types of decision-making.
   2. This is when we bring others to influence our choice, usually experts. Leaders often make decisions in this way.
   3. Voting is best when efficiency is the highest value and there are several options. It’s a time saver, but it shouldn’t be used in cases where things are very important.
   4. This strategy means that the group will talk about the decision until everyone agrees. This is time consuming and should only be done when issues are high-stakes or complex, and everyone will be impacted by the final decision.

• While not all crucial conversations need to end in decision-making, they must all end in commitment. To do so, make sure you answer the following four questions:
  • Who? Clearly assign responsibilities.
  • Does what? Be sure to be explicit about the deliverables.
  • By when? Set a clear deadline.
  • How will you follow up? It could be an email confirming completion of the project, or it could be another meeting or a full report.
• In other words, to finish the conversation clearly, determine who does what by when, and set a follow-up time.
• If the matter is personal, end the conversation by summarizing your understanding, making sure the other person is on the same page. Make sure to identify an action. Define what’s going to change because of the conversation. here, too, it’s a good idea to set a follow-up plan. 

Chapter 12: Yeah, But

• In this chapter, the authors talk about how to employ the crucial conversations strategies in this book in particularly tough situations (based on real-life questions they’ve received):

1. 1. Sexual harassment: You are uncomfortable, but the other person is subtle enough that you feel you cannot bring this up with HR or your boss.
      1. Danger point: Tolerating the behavior for too long, making a potential Villain Story.
      2. Solution: Tell the rest of the story, treating the individual as a rational, reasonable, and decent person. In the conversation, establish a mutual purpose and STATE your path.
   2. Overly sensitive spouse: You try to give some feedback, but your spouse’s reaction is so strong that you end up withdrawing.
      1. Danger point: You establish a routine of not speaking up.
      2. Solution: Address the things that bother you early, and use Contrasting. Then, share your facts and tentatively explain the consequences. Constantly seek to make it safe.
   3. Failed trust: A subordinate or team member missed an important deadline and now you can’t trust him/her.
      1. Danger point: Falling into the trap of believing that trust is something you either have or don’t have. It’s important to understand that trust is not only about motivation but also about ability (e.g., you might be highly motivated to perform CPR and others can trust you will give it a try, but they shouldn’t trust in your ability if you have never done it before.)
      2. Solution: Deal with trust around the issue and not the person. Bring up your concerns by tentatively stating your facts.
   4. Shows no initiative: Rather than something a person did, you’re concerned about something the person didn’t do.
      1. Danger point: Not knowing what to say.
      2. Solution: Establish clear expectations. Don’t deal with a specific instance but the overall pattern. If you want someone to show initiative, tell him. Then, together you can brainstorm ideas for improvement. Make sure to follow-up.
   5. Touchy and personal: You don’t know how to talk to someone about something personal, like hygiene.
      1. Danger point: Avoiding the issue at all costs. Letting fear and misplaced compassion rule over honesty and courage. This information can help the person and you’re doing a disservice by not telling them.
      2. Solution: Use Explain that you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you have something to say that might be helpful. Establish mutual purpose. Let the other person know your intentions are honorable. Tentatively describe the problem with specific behaviors and immediately provide solutions.

• For other cases, you can visit org, where the authors post answers to real-life questions regarding sensitive topics for crucial conversations.

Chapter 13: Putting It All Together

• Given that the authors provide several strategies that are hard to put to practice in a short period of time, they provide the two key principles on which to focus for positive change (while you learn to apply and make a habit out of the other skills presented in this book).

1. 1. Learn to Look. Continually ask yourself during conversations if people are failing into silence or violence. Learn to determine if you’re not in dialogue.
   2. Make It Safe. If you notice that people are moving away from dialogue, do something to make them feel safe. Ask questions and show interest in what the other person is saying. If appropriate, a touch can communicate safety. Apologies and smiles can also work.

• To help readers remember the strategies in the book, the authors created a table with each principle, its corresponding skills, and crucial questions to ask to help you embrace them. A recreated version of the table is below.