Dare to Lead

Brené Brown

About the Author

Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She is also a visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business. Brown obtained her Bachelor and Master of Social Work degrees at the University of Texas at Austin, and her Ph.D. in social work at the University of Houston.

Brown’s research focuses on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. From her research, she has written six #1 New York Times best sellers. Some of her most recent books include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. Brown is also the host of two award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the best-selling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience.

Brown’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world. Brown is the first researcher to have filmed a lecture on Netflix. And, in March 2022, she launched a new show on HBO Max that focuses on her latest book, Atlas of the Heart.

Sources: brenebrown.com, Wikipedia, and “About the Author” section of the book

Our one-sentence summary

We can learn how to develop the necessary skills to lead with courage – we need to embrace vulnerability, prioritize our values, recognize our emotions, have empathy, build trust, foster curiosity, and create a culture where courage becomes contagious.

Publisher’s Summary

“Leadership is not about titles, status, and wielding power. A leader is anyone who takes responsibility for recognizing the potential in people and ideas and has the courage to develop that potential. When we dare to lead, we don’t pretend to have the right answers; we stay curious and ask the right questions. We don’t see power as finite and hoard it; we know that power becomes infinite when we share it with others. We don’t avoid difficult conversations and situations; we lean into vulnerability when it’s necessary to do good work.

Daring leadership in a culture defined by scarcity, fear, and uncertainty requires skill-building around traits that are deeply and uniquely human. The irony is that we’re choosing not to invest in developing the hearts and minds of leaders at the exact same time as we’re scrambling to figure out what we have to offer that machines and AI can’t do better and faster. What can we do better? Empathy, connection, and courage, to start.

How do you cultivate braver, more daring leaders, and how do you embed the value of courage in your culture? In this new book, Brown uses research, stories, and examples to answer these questions in the no-BS style that millions of readers have come to expect and love.”

Source: Book Jacket

Detailed Summary

Introduction: Brave Leaders and Courage Cultures

A leader is anyone who finds potential in people and processes and is brave enough to encourage and develop that potential.
In this book, Brown offers tools to develop the skills necessary for leadership, but they require courage and practice. While barriers to leadership exist, “as long as we name them, stay curious, and keep showing up, they [won’t] stop us from being brave” (p. 5).
In her research, Brown asked senior leaders what in leadership today needs to change for leaders to be successful in this new, complex environment of innovation. Everyone’s answers pointed to leaders having to be more courageous. However, when she asked why, the answers diverged. After years of studying, she defined ten behaviors and cultural issues:

We avoid tough conversations, including honest feedback.
Rather than defining strategies to overcome fears, we manage problems.
Lack of connection and empathy leads to diminished trust.
People are not taking risks, creating opportunities, or sharing bold ideas.
We get stuck on setbacks and are afraid of failures defining us.
We have too much shame and blame, and little agency.
People choose comfort.
We spend time and resources fixing something that won’t stop the problem from happening again.
Executive values are goals and aspirations, rather than measurable behaviors.
Being afraid and seeking perfection keep people from learning and growing.

To define specific learning skill sets, Brown and her team started by addressing these issues. Three notions worth highlighting are that courage and fear aren’t mutually exclusive, self-awareness and self-love matter, and courage is contagious.
The four skillsets they found necessary for courage development are:
- Rumbling (discussing, conversing) with vulnerability (section 1 of the book),
- Living into our values (section 2 of the book),
- Braving trust (section 3 of the book), and
- Learning to rise (section 4 of the book).

PART I – Rumbling with Vulnerability

Section 1: The Moment and The Myths

Three lessons worth highlighting about vulnerability and bravery are:

Daring isn’t accepting the risk of failure. It’s knowing that you will eventually fail and deciding to move forward regardless.
Vulnerability is having the courage to keep moving forward even when you don’t know the outcome. Examples of moments of vulnerability include the first date after a divorce, starting a business, apologizing, and getting or giving feedback.
Make sure you accept feedback but be clear about whose opinions really matter. If you shield yourself from all feedback, you’ll never grow. But if you listen to all feedback, you’ll get hurt and build an armor. That armor won’t let you be vulnerable.

Six myths surround vulnerability, persisting across age, gender, race, and culture:

Vulnerability is a weakness: We experience vulnerability at times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Vulnerability requires courage.
I don’t do vulnerability: Vulnerability defines our daily experiences. You can either do vulnerability or it will do you. When we pretend we don’t feel vulnerable, we’re letting fear define our thinking and behavior.
I can go at it alone: We all need meaningful connections. We don’t become stronger via individualism but through collective planning, communication, and collaboration.
You can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of vulnerability: Many fields view vulnerability as a failure. Those are the fields in which leadership is usually struggling. If we get rid of vulnerability, we get rid of courage too.
- If we successfully develop the four skill sets for courage, starting with accepting being vulnerable, “we will have the capacity for something human, invaluable to leadership, and unattainable by machines” (p. 28).
Trust comes before vulnerability: Trusting involves risk. Trust is earned little by little, through simple acts like paying attention, listening, and showing care (rather than big heroic moments). Trust is reciprocal vulnerability building over time.
Vulnerability is disclosure: Some of the best leaders have incredible vulnerability rumbling (disclosure) skills and aren’t necessarily oversharing. A leader needs to name the unsaid emotion that’s affecting the team and create space for everyone to feel open and safe.
- Psychological safety is when team members feel comfortable taking risks and being vulnerable in front of others.
- A leader can create a safe space by asking, “What would support from me look like?”
- It’s important to set boundaries, make clear what’s okay to share, what’s not, and why. Think about with whom you’re sharing. Vulnerability is not a sympathy-seeking tool. Make sure the conversation happens with someone who can help or needs help.

Vulnerability is feeling. Believing that vulnerability is a weakness is believing that feelings and emotions are weaknesses. But remember, we are emotional beings.

Section 2: The Call to Courage

In work environments, issues are bound to arise. Emotions sometimes get the best of us because we don’t let ourselves be vulnerable.
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind” (p. 48). When giving feedback, thinking that we are being kind, we tend to avoid clarity. But we are actually being unfair and unkind.
- We are making ourselves comfortable and being unclear, leaving our teams with incomplete information, while keeping our high expectations.
When giving or receiving feedback, it’s a good idea to circle back later. Unless it’s urgent, give yourself and others time to think about the issue rather than pushing through the meeting. It might end up costing more than what the short break costs.
To solve our problems, we need to be brave. It’s easier to put on an armor of comfort (when giving feedback) or self-protection (when receiving), but we need to let ourselves be vulnerable.
We must find the courage to be curious, use the correct words to express our thoughts, face the emotions that we’re experiencing, and articulate the root cause of the issue. Otherwise, we can end up talking about the same problem over and over and never really resolve it.
“Dearing leadership is ultimately about serving other people, not ourselves. That’s why we choose courage” (p. 69).

Section 3: The Armory

“In the past, jobs were about muscles, now they are about brains, but in the future, they’ll be about the heart.” –Minouche Shafik, Director, London of School Economics
Wholeheartedness refers to cultivating courage, compassion, and connection. It’s about a liberated heart that feels its emotions and is vulnerable enough to love. We often hide by putting up armors. Instead, we need to integrate our thinking, feelings, and behaviors.
Often, organizations subscribe to the idea that we will be most productive if we leave vulnerability and emotions outside of the work environment. In this case, we build a culture that requires armor for survival. These armors look like perfectionism, stoicism, and compartmentalizing, to name a few. With these armors on, we kill courage.
- When we protect our ego strive to fit in, we’re being driven by fear of shame. We are worried about machines taking over our jobs at the same time that we create job environments that dehumanize us. The antidote to this environment is empathy.
The following are sixteen examples of Armored Leadership (AL), followed by a description of Daring Leadership (DL).

AL: Encouraging Perfectionism and Fostering Fear of Failure

Perfectionism is not striving for excellence, self-improvement, or success. It’s seeking approval – a function of shame associated with depression and anxiety. It’s an unattainable goal. It hampers achievement and results in self-blame and shame.

DL: Encouraging Healthy Striving, Empathy, and Self-Compassion

Healthy striving is self-focused. It is about thinking in ways in which we can improve through learning, empathy, and kindness towards others and ourselves.

AL: Squandering Opportunities for Joy

We all have been in a situation where, when something great happens, we enjoy it for five seconds and then immediately think about a negative thing that might ruin our victory. We won’t let ourselves feel joy because joy is the most vulnerable emotion. We can’t tolerate it so we self-protect by “preparing for what’s to come.”
Similarly, foreboding joy in work environments happens when, as leaders, we don’t let our employees get excited or happy about their achievements because “there’s still work to be done” and we don’t want them to “take the foot off the gas.”

DL: Being Grateful and Celebrating Victories

Practice gratitude and recognize your employees. Studies show recognition increases employee satisfaction, engagement, and retainment.

AL: Numbing

We all have a way of numbing our negative emotions: alcohol, TV, social media, shopping, etc. These are dangerous behaviors because they might lead to addiction. But, even if not, they are also dangerous because we cannot selectively numb specific emotions. In seeking to reduce pain or discomfort, we also remove joy, love, belonging, and other positive emotions.

DL: Setting Boundaries and Finding Real Comfort

To remain healthy in a work environment, set healthy boundaries. Fear of vulnerability, resentment, and anxiety are the main motivators of numbing behaviors. But whenever you feel any of these, ask yourself, “Where did these feelings come from?” As you answer that question, figure out what would bring comfort and renewal rather than numbness.

AL: Propagating a False Dichotomy of Crush or Be Crushed

This is a win-lose power dynamic that can be pervasive in a work environment. The problem is that people believe if they don’t crush, they’ll be crushed, so they crush to survive. But when you remove the threat, you realize that surviving is not living.

DL: Practicing Integration

Bring together all of yourself. Have a strong back (grounded confidence and boundaries), a soft front (stay vulnerable and curious), and a wild heart (be fierce and kind). Be brave and vulnerable.

AL: Being a Knower

Having to know everything and striving to be right all the time is a self-defensive mechanism driven by shame. It is miserable for both the person and the ones around him or her. It leads to unproductive conflicts and bad decisions.

DL: Being a Learner

Embrace the process of learning from your mistakes. Instead of always being right, strive for gettingit right through learning.

AL: Hiding Behind Cynicism

Cynicism and sarcasm come from pain and despair. It creates an uncomfortable atmosphere that only ends up in toxic relationships, a lot of fear and anxiety, and very little contribution to the team.

DL: Showing Kindness and Hope

Be clear and kind. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Most importantly, cultivate hope among your team.

AL: Relying on Criticism (for Self-Protection)

When we criticize others, we’re not providing constructive feedback. We are, instead, limiting innovation and growth. Criticism is a form of self-protection as we shift the spotlight onto someone else, making us feel like we are better than them.

DL: Making Contributions and Taking Risks

If you have something to say because you disagree with an idea, make sure you also provide an idea of your own. Don’t just say that something isn’t a good idea. Contribute, even if risky. Offer a better or stronger plan. Offer your point of view.

AL: Using Power Over Others

Be careful how you use the power that comes inherently with leadership positions. Power over others leads to resistance and rebellion.

DL: Using Power With/To/Within Others

Empower people. Find common ground, acknowledge everyone’s talents and potential, and recognize differences as foundations of self-worth.

AL: Hustling to Find our Worth

When people don’t know their areas of strength and value, they hustle. They are often seeking attention and validation.

DL: Knowing our Value

When people know their value and unique contributions, they become stronger. You’ll be more efficient if you have a team that knows and embraces their strengths.

AL: Leading Seeking Compliance and Control

Micromanaging limits growth, hampers motivation, and leads to exhausted employees. People will simply comply and do what they are asked to do instead of committing.

DL: Cultivating Commitment and Purpose

Include your team and cultivate a shared purpose. Describe the ultimate goal, the small tasks to reach specific objectives, and listen to their ideas. Be communicative and paint a detailed description. This will increase commitment.

AL: Using Fear and Uncertainty as a Weapon of Control

Leaders sometimes control their teams by keeping them afraid (i.e., authoritarian leaders). But a stressful environment is rarely ever an environment of growth.

DL: Acknowledging and Normalizing Collective Fear and Uncertainty

Sometimes, situations will arise. In these cases, normalize fear and uncertainty to bring relief to the whole team. By acknowledging fear, we can find courage. As a leader, your message should be “It will be hard. But we will do it together.”

AL: Rewarding Exhaustion (as a Symbol of Status, Productivity, and Self-Worth)

When worthiness is a function of productivity, and the work culture praises exhaustion, busyness, and sleep deprivation, we foment stress, anxiety, and even health issues (e.g., heart diseases and fatal accidents).

DL: Supporting Rest, Play, and Recovery

Intentionally cultivate sleep and play. Busyness and productivity are not symbols of status or measures of self-worth. No one should be trying to impress others through exhaustion. For meaningful contributions, healthy team members, and sustainable growth, people need to rest. Burnout is detrimental to everyone.

AL: Tolerating Discrimination, Echo Chambers, and “Fitting In” Cultures

Cultures that value “fitting in” and “approval seeking” limit individuality, which compromises innovation.

DL: Cultivating Belonging and Inclusivity

“Daring leaders work to make sure people can be themselves and feel a sense of belonging” (p. 108). Recognize achievement and validate people’s contributions.

AL: Collecting Gold Stars

Once you’re in a management position, your goal is not earning stars. In fact, it can be counterproductive.

DL: Giving Gold Stars

To grow the organization, reward others rather than yourself. Help your team shine.

AL: Zigzagging and Avoiding

Like running away from a crocodile in a zigzag (they’re not good with curves), organizations sometimes waste time, energy, and resources, zigzagging trying to avoid conflict, discomfort, or the potential for criticism. We zigzag (hide, avoid, procrastinate, lie, blame, etc.), running away from vulnerability and wasting time.

DL: Talking Straight and Taking Action

Being straightforward, clear, and kind saves time and mental capacity. Running away only wastes energy, might compromise our values, and does not solve the problem.

AL: Leading from Hurt

Sometimes leaders use their position of power to fill a gap in their self-worth. So they lead from a place of hurt and smallness. They end up taking credit for good ideas and blaming employees for failures, which leads to unproductive environments and zero tolerance for risks and innovation.

DL: Leading from Heart

The difference between leading from the heart and leading from hurt is what you do with your pain. Heal yourself so that you can lead with empathy and compassion.

Section 4: Shame and Empathy

Shame is an intense emotion. It’s painful because we feel it when we believe we are flawed or unworthy. Shame is what we experience when we think we’re not good enough.
- We tend to believe that suppressing our vulnerability will protect us from shame. But it actually guarantees it.
- Shame is universal; those who don’t feel it are those who can’t experience empathy.
- We are all afraid of feeling and talking about shame.
- The less we talk about shame, the more it controls our lives.
Research in neuroscience suggests that the pain that shame inflicts is as real as physical pain. But unlike physical health, shame is difficult to recognize and deal with. The first step, however, is to understand it by differentiating it from other emotions:
- Unlike guilt, which focuses on an action or behavior, shame focuses on the self. What you feel when you think you did something bad is guilt. What you feel when you think you are bad is shame. Because of this distinction, guilt leads to reparative behaviors (e.g., saying you’re sorry) but shame leads to withdrawal (e.g., hiding).
  - We tend to attribute self-serving and unethical behaviors to lacking shame. But that’s not accurate. Shame is not a compass of moral behavior, guilt is.
  - Shame isn’t a cure, it’s a cause. It’s not that a narcissist lacks shame and therefore engages in unethical behavior. Shame and fear drive unethical behavior. What they lack is
- Humiliation differs from shame in that shame comes from a place where we think we deserve it, but no one believes they deserve humiliation. “I am a failure” is shame. “My boss yelled at me and I didn’t deserve it” is humiliation.
  - Humiliation can lead to shame if it’s ongoing and we believe the messages that we’re receiving.
- Embarrassment is also distinct. Embarrassment is public, fleeting, and can eventually become funny. The feeling of embarrassment passes and doesn’t define us.
“Looking for shame in organizations is like inspecting a home for termites. If you walk through and actually spot termites, you have an acute problem that’s probably been going on for a while” (p. 130).
In the work environment, shame eats away innovation, trust, and connection, and destroys its culture. To determine if shame has permeated a work culture, look for behavioral cues such as perfectionism, favoritism, gossiping, comparison, and self-worth being tied to productivity, blaming, and cover-ups, among others.
As a leader, you will probably have to fire someone at some point. Give people a way out with dignity. Be kind, clear, and respectful. Sometimes, we shame our employees when we fire them because we don’t want to be vulnerable. Leaders get defensive as a self-protection mechanism.
Shame resilience is the ability to remain authentic when experiencing shame. It’s not compromising your values. It requires courage, compassion, and connection. Shame resilience is moving from shame to empathy.
Empathy is often confused with sympathy, advice, or judgment disguised as concern. It’s not making things better or fixing the situation for someone else. It’s taking the perspective of the other person and connecting to the emotions that emerged from the experience.
- A key distinction is that empathy requires connecting to the emotions that arise from a specific experience, not connecting to the experience itself.
The five main attributes of empathy are skills you can learn. These are:

Perspective Taking: A common misunderstanding is the idea that we can take off the lenses through which we see the world and put on those of someone else. We cannot. However, we can honor other people’s perspectives, even if they’re different from ours.

Perspective taking requires us to become learners and let go of being a knower. We can’t be empathetic if we need to be a knower.

Being Nonjudgmental: Research suggests that we judge in the areas where we’re most susceptible to shame, especially when people are doing worse than us in those areas.

In organizations, shame can become a vicious cycle where we perceive the judgment of others and feel shame, and then we offload by judging others.
Ultimately, we need to build our sense of self-worth and let go of judgment.

Understanding Other’s Feelings: We need to be in touch with our own feelings and be capable of recognizing emotions. It’s almost impossible to recognize emotions in others if we can’t recognize them when we experience them ourselves.

Emotions are like icebergs. Many of the emotions that we experience manifest as anger and silence. But below the surface, we might be feeling shame, grief, and a depth of emotions.
To connect with others, make an effort to understand what emotion the other person is articulating and communicate about it.

Communicating Your Understanding of that Person’s Feelings: We need to be able to identify, name, and talk about our emotions. And, we need to be able to communicate our understanding of others’ emotions.

Emotional literacy is the ability to recognize emotions in ourselves and others. Try asking someone going through a tough experience, “Want to talk about it?” This question shows you care, you are interested, and you’re willing to rumble deeply and openly about their feelings.

Mindfulness: Mindfulness is balancing negative emotions so that they are neither exaggerated nor suppressed. Make sure you’re not minimizing or amplifying them.

While you practice and develop these skills, keep an eye out for the six barriers to empathy.

Sympathy vs. Empathy: Sympathy is feeling for someone else. Empathy is feeling with It’s the difference between “I feel sorry for you,” and “I get it, I’ve been there.”
The Gasp and Awe: In this scenario, the person hears your experience, gasps and confirms how horrified you should be. “Oh my God, I would die.” They become upset too, and you end up making them feel better. “No, it’s okay…”
The Mighty Fall: In this instance, this person is disappointed. They feel let down by your mistakes. “I just never expected this from you.” And you end up having to defend yourself. This happens most often during childhood. It often leads to perfectionism.
The Block and Tackle: In this case, the person is so uncomfortable that they scold you or blame someone else. “Let’s report him!” This is an empathetic miss because instead of connecting, the person chooses to get upset at someone else, and rarely ever helps.
The Boots and Shovel: This is the person who refuses to accept that you can make mistakes. After you share the experience, they respond by saying something like, “It can’t be that bad. You’re amazing!” They hustle to make you feel better and fail to connect with you.
The “If you think that’s bad…”: In this scenario, the person confuses the opportunity to connect with a chance to talk about themselves, almost comparing and competing. “That’s nothing! Let me tell you about what happened to me…” This is different from an empathetic “Me too. I understand”, because it shifts the focus to themselves.

The trickiest barrier to empathy is looking at yourself in the mirror. Being kind and generous to ourselves is the first step. Have self-compassion. Practice self-kindness, humanity, and mindfulness. “Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to someone you love” (p. 158).
Empathy and Shame Resilience
There are four elements to shame resilience:

Recognizing shame and understanding its triggers. Learn to identify your shame shields:
1. Moving away (withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves)
2. Moving toward (seeking to appease and please)
3. Moving against (being aggressive to gain power and using shame to control others).
Practicing critical awareness.
Reaching out. Be courageous in sharing your experiences with others to force shame out of yourself and avoid ending up in fear, blame, and disconnection.
Speaking shame. Learn to identify the gaslighting language of shame with phrases like “you’re so sensitive,” or “It’s all in your head.”

Section 5: Curiosity and Grounded Confidence

All sports rely on fundamental skills that players have to master to play well under pressure. To master these skills, players have to spend hours and hours practicing and building those foundational skills until they become confident.
Like in sports, leaders have to develop a disciplined practice of rumbling with vulnerability to stay strong and have the emotional stamina necessary to lead greatly. Just like in sports, leaders need to develop muscle memory and then, have grounded confidence in their skills.
- In tough conversations, hard meetings, and decision-making, leaders need the grounded confidence to stay true to their values, react emotionally appropriately, and operate from self-awareness (rather than self-protection).
“Grounded confidence is a messy process of learning and unlearning, practicing and failing, and surviving a few misses” (p. 165). Most of us armored up in our early lives because we needed to protect ourselves, so it’s unreasonable to expect others to simply take off their armors.
To be effective, learning requires effort. Easy learning does not work. We need a degree of difficulty. Just like the burn in our muscles when we exercise effortfully, the brain, too, needs a bit of discomfort to learn.
Grounded Confidence = Rumble Skills + Curiosity + Practice
“Curiosity is an act of vulnerability and courage” (p. 171). Research suggests that curiosity is associated with improved creativity, intelligence, learning, memory, and problem-solving.
For many, curiosity is uncomfortable because of its uncertainty. But that’s why curiosity, along with rumble skills, is part of the formula for grounded confidence. We’re often scared to have difficult conversations because we have no control over the outcome.
Curiosity is similar to an open mind. If you embrace curiosity, you will be more comfortable asking rumble questions and conversation starters such as: “I’m curious about…” “Tell me more…” “Help me understand…” “Walk me through…” “Tell me why this doesn’t work for you,” and “What problem are we trying to solve?”
- Sometimes we’ll be an hour into a discussion when someone asks one of these questions and we realize we weren’t on the same page because we didn’t identify the real problem.
Curiosity also needs a little bit of knowledge or awareness. As a leader, encouraging people to ask questions doesn’t get very far because we’re not stimulating curiosity. Start with intriguing information that will get people interested so that they get curious.
- Curiosity and knowledge-building skills grow together: the more we know, the more curious we become.

PART II – Living into Our Values

In addition to the skills described above, you need to have clarity about your values.
Our values are our ways of thinking and believing that we hold most important. Living into our values means that we do more than profess them; we practice them.
There are three main steps to living into your values:

Naming your values: The first step is defining your North Star. We can’t live our values or practice them if we haven’t taken the time to define them.

Often, people shift their values depending on the context (e.g., professional vs. personal), but in reality, we should only have one set of values and we should practice them in all contexts.
Sometimes it’s hard to define our values because when prompted, we want to list several of them. But, if everything on the list is important, then nothing is truly important.
Pick two Get a list of over 100 values and select the two that are the most important of all.
After doing that, you’ll find that your two core values will actually encompass the other values you were considering and still hold important.
Work on making these values a definition of who you are.

Taking your values into actual behaviors: Like most individuals who don’t really practice the values they say are important to them, research shows that only 10% of organizations have operationalized their values into observable practices and behaviors.
- As a leader, if you want to create a culture where people are held accountable for staying true to their values, you need to define behaviors that support and behaviors that go against those values.
- Ask yourself, “What are three behaviors that support my value?” “What are three slippery behaviors that are outside my value?” and “What are some examples of times I lived fully into my value?”
Maintaining empathy and self-compassion: Shame, scarcity (not enough time, money, love, etc.), and comparison (“look at other people doing better than you at…”) are three of the main reasons why we fail to live into our values. Empathy and self-compassion help combat that tendency.

“A brave leader is someone who says I see you. I hear you. I don’t have all the answers but I’m going to keep listening and asking questions” (p. 195).
- Saying this becomes easier when you foster empathy.
- Self-compassion helps us cheer ourselves on.
Only by making our values our priorities can we ask others to follow along.
We tend to think that we are living into our values when decisions come easily. But doing the right thing is rarely easy. One of the biggest challenges in a work environment is staying aligned with our values, especially when getting or giving feedback.
First, assess your readiness: I know I’m ready to give feedback when:
- I’m ready to sit next to the person rather than in front.
- I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (when I’m ready to look at the problem from the other person’s perspective).
- I’m ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may be missing information.
- I’m ready to acknowledge what the other person does well instead of focusing solely on the mistakes.
- I recognize the person’s strengths and have figured out how to use them to address the challenge ahead.
- I can hold the person accountable without shaming or blaming.
- I’m open to owning my part of the issue.
- I can thank them for their efforts.
- I can talk about resolving the problem in a way that leads to growth.
- I can model the vulnerability and openness expected from the other person.
Getting good at receiving feedback, requires that you also live into your values.
- Take the feedback, regardless of how it was delivered, and apply it productively and constructively. Remember that mastery requires feedback.
- Identify a value-supporting behavior that can help at the moment, especially if the person giving you the feedback is not being kind. E.g., tell yourself, “I am brave enough to listen,” or, “There’s something valuable here.”
- It takes practice, but we have to become capable of staying present and avoiding getting defensive.
- Lean into curiosity, ask questions, and take the other person’s perspective.
- Listen, integrate the feedback, and reflect on it.
The best way to know your team members is to know their values. Spend time getting to know them. Share this exercise with them. Taking their point of view will become easier if you understand what they value most.
In your organization, be sure to operationalize values to get clear on the skills and behaviors that are and aren’t expected from your team. Foster your values and remember Living BIG (set Boundaries, practice Integrity, and foster Generosity).
“If we want to be value-driven, we have to operationalize our values into behaviors and skills that are teachable and observable. And we have to do the difficult work of holding ourselves and others accountable for showing up in a way aligned with those values” (p. 216).

PART III – Braving Trust

Trust is choosing to take the risk of making something that you value vulnerable to someone else. Distrust means that we think what we value is not safe with another person.
We all want to be trusted but most of us do not trust others easily. The danger here is that without trust, there can’t be any connection. In organizations, trust is key to success.
Talking about trust is often uncomfortable and complicated. Brown and her research team identified seven behaviors that makeup trustworthiness. Brown came up with the acronym BRAVING for these seven behaviors and made it into an assessment tool that can help organizations talk about trust in an actionable and productive manner.

Boundaries: Respect others’ boundaries, and when in doubt, ask the person what’s okay and what’s not okay for them.
Reliability: Do as you say you’ll do.
Accountability: Own your mistakes, apologize, make amends.
Vault: Do not share information or experiences that aren’t yours to share.
Integrity: Choose courage over comfort, right over fun or fast and easy, and practice your values.
Nonjudgment: Make others know they can talk about how they feel and ask for help without being judged.
Generosity: Extend the most generous interpretation possible to the actions of others (assume positive intent).

Brown and colleagues asked a thousand leaders what their team members do that earns their trust. The most common answer was asking for help. While most of us are uncomfortable and afraid of asking for help, it is actually a power move. It reflects self-awareness –an essential element in braving
The foundation of trusting others is trusting ourselves. When we let ourselves down, we unconsciously stop trusting in our capabilities. If you ever feel like this, go back to the BRAVING tool and recontextualize the elements described above for self-trust.
- Ask yourself, “Did I respect my boundaries? Can I count on myself? Did I hold myself accountable, or did I blame others? Did I honor the vault? Did I practice my values? Did I ask for help when I needed it? Did I have self-compassion?”
- This exercise will help you determine what area you need to work on. To build up that area, make small, doable promises that are easy to fulfill until you feel strong.

PART IV – Learning to Rise

As leaders, we cannot expect people to simply be brave and take risks. People need to be prepared; they need to learn resilience skills before they face inevitable failure.
If people don’t have the skills to get back up when they fall, they will most likely never take a risk. Brown proposes Learning to Rise as a three-part process that can help build these skills in the work environment.

The first step is The Reckoning.
- The reckoning refers to developing the ability of identifying when we are being driven by our emotions as a response to a difficult situation. It also refers to becoming curious about what we are feeling.
- One of the most valuable resilience skills is being able to slow down, take a deep breath, and analyze what’s happening. However, ignoring our emotions is usually our default. And then, we offload our emotion onto others.
- The following are common offloading strategies. Go through them and ask yourself if you revert to any of these strategies. Then, consider how it feels to be on the receiving end.

Chandeliering: Brown borrowed this term from the medical community. Within this context, it refers to suppressing our feeling to a point where we think they won’t resurface, but suddenly, a harmless comment makes us explode in rage.

The problem with this volatile tendency is that it ruins trust and respect, even if people appear to understand where you’re coming from.
1. Bouncing Hurt: This strategy refers to the instances when our ego is threatened. While facing pain is hard, and it’s easier to get upset than to acknowledge we are hurt, the problem with our ego taking over is that it will lead to blaming others, making excuses, seeking payback, lashing out, or avoiding facing the matter.
2. Numbing Hurt: As explained earlier, when we numb our pain with certain behaviors (e.g., drinking, binge-watching TV, shopping), we not only risk addiction but also risk numbing positive emotions.
3. Stockpiling Hurt: Like chandeliering, when we revert to this strategy, we suppress our emotions. But instead of lashing out at someone, we end up hurting our bodies. After years of repressing our emotions, our bodies might get sick. We might then experience anxiety, depression, burnout, insomnia, and actual physical pain.
4. The Umbridge: Inspired by JK Rowling’s Dolores Umbridge, Brown used this character to represent the offloading strategy of disguising our pain behind overly cheery claims. One of the biggest consequences of this strategy is that people don’t trust those who pretend they don’t struggle. We can’t develop connections if we don’t find people relatable.
5. Fear of High-Centering: Picture a car stuck in a weird terrain where the center of the car somehow got on a high top and the four tires cannot touch the ground. This is what Brown calls high-centering.
  - Like the car that can’t move forwards or backwards, we sometimes deny our feelings because we are emotionally high-centered.

We feel like we can’t open up, because if we do and something goes wrong, we won’t be able to move backward and pretend nothing happen. And we fear moving forward because we might lose control of our emotions (e.g., “I don’t want to cry at work”).
The most effective strategy to avoid offloading is to breathe. Practice tactical breathing (breathing in for a count of four, hold for four, out for four, and hold for four, and repeat two or three more times).

The second step in the Learning to Rise process is The Rumble.

Research suggests that in the absence of data, our minds will make up stories to fill in the gaps. Our brains are naturally wired to seek completion, and when we don’t understand something, we come up with a story that makes sense.
When emotions take over, the stories that we make up in our minds usually reflect our fears and insecurities.
If we accept the idea that the first explanation we come up with is a very rough first draft of the situation, adjusting and acting upon it becomes easier. Otherwise, it can lead to conspiracy theories.
In the workplace, when there is a lot of change and confusion, and leaders are not clear, people will make up stories, theories, and confabulations – lies that are honestly told.
- To avoid creating this environment, be as open as you can with your team. E.g., if you have to let someone go, offer time afterward for people to come to you and discuss the matter or ask questions. Stay wary of gossip but do attend to your team’s feelings and fears (and clear up conspiracies). Doing this will save you time in the long run from managing unproductive behaviors.
To catch yourself when you’re drafting rough stories in your mind, and to act on it, try to write or talk to someone about “The story I’m making up right now is…”
- Ask yourself, “What more information do I need to understand the situation and other people in the story?” Differentiate assumptions from facts, and figure out a question that will clarify the situation.
- Then, ask yourself, “What more do I need to know or learn about myself? What’s underneath my response? What am I actually feeling?”
You need to be careful about the stories you create in your mind because, not only do they negatively impact trust and connection among teams but they might also affect your self-worth.

The third and last step in the Learning to Rise process is The Revolution.

While the term revolution sounds dramatic, Brown sustains that in this world, acting authentically and courageously is an act of resistance. Taking off your armors and rumbling with vulnerability, living into your values, braving trust, and learning to rise are acts of a Courage Revolution.
Collective courage in an organization is the best predictor of a successful culture, leaders, and accomplished goals.