Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People)

About the Author

Amy Gallo is an expert in interpersonal dynamics, difficult conversations, feedback, and effective communication. She writes articles for Harvard Business Review, where she is a contributing editor. She also works with individuals and teams to help them better collaborate, communicate, and transform their culture to support dissent and debate.

Gallo attended Yale and Brown University, where she obtained her Bachelors’ in sociology and her Master’s in public policy. She has also taught at Brown University and the University of Pennsylvania.

Sources: “About the Author” section of the book & LinkedIn

Our one-sentence summary

Guided by empathy and adjusting strategies depending on the archetype of a challenging coworker, learning to get along will lead to personal and organizational health.  

Publisher’s Summary

“Work relationships can be hard. The stress of dealing with difficult people dampens our creativity and productivity, degrades our ability to think clearly and make sound decisions, and causes us to disengage. We might lie awake at night worrying, withdraw from work, or react in ways we later regret—rolling our eyes in a meeting, snapping at colleagues, or staying silent when we should speak up.

Too often we grin and bear it as if we have no choice. Or throw up our hands because one-size-fits-all solutions haven’t worked. But you can only endure so much thoughtless, irrational, or malicious behavior—there’s your sanity to consider, and your career.

In Getting Along, workplace expert and Harvard Business Review podcast host Amy Gallo identifies eight familiar types of difficult coworkers—the insecure boss, the passive-aggressive peer, the know-it-all, the biased coworker, and others—and provides strategies tailored to dealing constructively with each one. She also shares principles that will help you turn things around, no matter who you’re at odds with. Taking the high road isn’t easy, but Gallo offers a crucial perspective on how work relationships really matter, as well as the compassion, encouragement, and tools you need to prevail—on your terms. She answers questions such as: Why can’t I stop thinking about that nasty email?! What’s behind my problem colleague’s behavior? How can I fix things if they won’t cooperate? I’ve tried everything—what now?

Full of relatable, sometimes cringe-worthy examples, the latest behavioral science research, and practical advice you can use right now, Getting Along is an indispensable guide to navigating your toughest relationships at work—and building interpersonal resilience in the process.”

Source: Book Jacket

Detailed Summary

Introduction:  Can’t We All Just Get Along?

• A study found that 94% of people have worked with a toxic person in the last five years, and 87% of them claimed the team culture was impacted as a result.
• Another study found that one in three people has left their jobs due to a difficult coworker.
• Other research has shown that engagement, productivity, and retention at work greatly depend on individuals liking their coworkers.
• Gallo suggests that the strategies that help people effectively collaborate with a difficult coworker are not one-size-fits-all. Tactics will depend on the type of behavior in which the challenging person engages.
  • She provides eight archetypes so that readers can assess the situation, understand the individual’s behavior, and adopt strategies to help them get along.
  • She also explains some strategies to avoid and why.
  • Finally, in case the strategies in this book are not effective, Gallo provides tactics for readers to take care of themselves.

PART 1 – LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR GETTING ALONG

Chapter 1: Why Work Relationships Are Worth the Trouble

• Most working adults spend more time working than with family. Many social connections stem from our jobs. How healthy these relationships are impacts cognitive function, resilience, engagement, stress levels, learning, and overall success.
• Unhealthy relationships inhibit people’s ability to think clearly and creatively. They increase stress, which is associated with health conditions.
• Negative relationships are also dangerous because they can become contagious within an organizational setting, meaning that adverse behaviors become normalized and their occurrence increases.
• Overall, negative relationships are more impactful than positive ones. That’s why we need to work hard to get along with others.

Chapter 2: Your Brain on Conflict

• In difficult situations, our brains try to help but often end up harming and holding us back. Our brains give relationships great meaning because they once impacted survival. When we have a negative interaction, they react as if we were in danger.
• The amygdala plays a key role. One of its main functions is preparing us to act in case of a threat – our fight or flight response.
• Humans are prone to a negativity bias where we attribute more meaning to negative encounters than positive ones. Sometimes, a challenging conversation, being yelled at, ignored, rejected, or shamed can be painful.
• The brain also exacerbates negative experiences because it naturally seeks to fill in blanks whenever we are trying to understand a situation. Premature cognitive commitment is when our brains make up stories about what’s going on and how we should respond.
  • For example, when a colleague is rude, we are inclined to jump to negative conclusions. We assume that the person has violated either our sense of community or our self-perception (a threat to our self-esteem).
• If we learn to separate the stories our brains tell us from what is happening, we’re more likely to make better decisions. To do that, we need to:
  • Reassess the situation (in a positive or neutral light),
  • Identify and question the stories we are telling ourselves,
  • Monitor our stress (the higher the levels of stress, the more likely we are to react negatively),
  • Give the situation time so that emotions die down.

PART 2 – THE ARCHETYPES

Chapter 3: The Insecure Boss

• To determine if you’re dealing with an insecure manager, consider if they exhibit the following behaviors:
  • Extreme concern about what others think,
  • Chronic inability to make decisions,
  • Frequent changes in the direction of a project or meeting,
  • Constant mentioning of their expertise,
  • A tendency to put others down,
  • Continual attempts to control everything,
  • Requests for decisions to go through their approval,
  • Prohibition or limitation of interactions with other departments.
• Most of us seek approval innately. However, research has found that leaders tend to be more susceptible to self-doubt, with many requiring a greater sense of approval. Self-doubt results in leaders engaging in behaviors that allow them to protect their self-esteem and justify their actions, especially if they are under pressure to perform.
• Insecure managers are more likely to be tougher at reviewing performance, leading to negative effects reflected throughout the organization. For example, they tend not to listen to ideas, resist feedback, and limit progress.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to help manage your relationship with an insecure boss include:
  • What evidence do I have that my boss is insecure? Could I be wrong?
  • How is their insecurity impacting the organization?
  • How am I triggering the insecurity?
  • What does my boss want?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Think about the pressure they face. Many managers are overextended, overwhelmed, underqualified, or undertrained. Understanding if these factors hold true can help you be more empathetic towards your manager.
2. Help them achieve their goals. If a self-doubting boss cannot trust you, they’re likely to behave even worse. But if they find support from you, you can help alleviate the tension they manage.
3. Signal that you’re not a threat. Make it known to your boss that you’re an ally.
4. Pay compliments and express gratitude. Compliments can help make their egos feel less threatened. The key is to be authentic and provide genuine flattery.
5. Restore their sense of control. Share information that will help them feel in charge. You can also use vocabulary that lets them know about an idea but lets them know you trust them to make the right choice.

• These tactics can help ease tension but be wary of going overboard. If you focus too much on managing your boss, you might put your job performance at risk.

Chapter 4: The Pessimist

• It’s common to find a pessimist within the workplace. Some of the most common behaviors they exhibit include:
  • Complaining about meetings, leadership, and colleagues,
  • Often stating that any new project is doomed to fail,
  • Continually saying something like, “We’ve already tried that, and it didn’t work,”
  • Immediately pointing out the risks of a new project,
  • Finding something negative to say even when just told good news.
• It’s important to understand that negative people view negative events or results as unavoidable. They often feel like they lack agency and control over any given circumstance.
• Aside from negativity, there are other possible drivers behind a person’s negative attitude including anxiety, a desire for power, and resentment.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to deal with a pessimist include:
  • What are some possible triggers or drivers of their pessimism?
  • Is it possible that their concerns are legitimate?
  • How is their behavior problematic or impacting me and the organization?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Reframe cynicism as something positive. Sometimes, their negativity can help your team foresee risks that they couldn’t have otherwise anticipated.
2. Give them a role to play. If you purposefully give them the role of being the person who pushes back in a new initiative, you can not only anticipate risks but also put the pessimist in a more productive light among their team members.
3. Help them understand that sometimes their pessimism helps but other times it hurts. Find a kind way to let the pessimist know that sometimes their cynicism can help them prepare and avoid failure but other times it leads to the team getting stuck.
4. Lean into positivity. Adjust your language so that the person is forced to think positively. For instance, instead of asking, “How are you doing today?” you can ask, “What’s good with you today?”
5. Be careful not to polarize and make them persistent about their negative views. Keep in mind that for many pessimists, the optimists aren’t very smart. They’ll be eager to dismiss the optimist. Every now and then, show them that you can have a negative perspective and verbally agree with their views whenever you do agree with them.
6. Spend time with a positive group of people. Seek more optimistic people with whom you can spend time to protect yourself from the negative effects of dealing with a pessimist.

Chapter 5: The Victim

• The victim archetype is a subtype of the pessimist. This is the type of coworker who feels like everyone is against them, is not accountable, and is quick to blame others for their mistakes.
• To determine if you’re dealing with this archetype, consider if they exhibit the following behaviors:
  • Feeling sorry for themselves and expecting others to feel pity,
  • Evading responsibility,
  • Pushing back on constructive feedback,
  • Complaining about circumstances and putting themselves at the center of the negative results,
  • Wallowing in negative feelings,
  • Forecasting failure for themselves.
• Like pessimists, victims lack agency and see the world through a negative lens. However, they believe that people or circumstances are at fault for any distressing outcomes and feel like these impact them the most. They are also prone to blaming others for their mistakes or seeking someone to blame whenever something happens to them.
• Note that, sometimes, this negative habit is rooted in real pain. It is usually the result of a traumatic past experience such as manipulation, betrayal, or neglect.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to deal with the victim archetype include:
  • Is this coworker truly a victim? Is it possible that their claims are true?
  • What triggers the victim’s attitude?
  • Is there anyone in particular who brings out this tendency?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Offer validation. Often, what this person wants is to feel seen and heard. Offering validation and positive reinforcement is a good idea, but only when the person is not complaining.
2. Help increase their sense of agency. Whenever possible, help them feel in control.
3. Encourage them to take responsibility. Use language that allows you to frame issues clearly so that they cannot blame others. For instance, “I see this as your responsibility. Let’s talk about why you don’t see it that way.”
4. Turn their focus on helping others. Nudge your colleague into helping someone else, even if that means volunteering outside of work. Research shows that giving to and helping others increases happiness.
5. Protect yourself. The victim’s attitude is contagious. To protect yourself, avoid speaking with the person as much as possible. When you do, change the subject when they start complaining or excuse yourself and leave to refocus on your work.

Chapter 6: The Passive-Aggressive Peer

• To determine if you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive colleague, consider if your coworker:
  • Deliberately ignores deadlines after they’ve agreed to them,
  • Promises to send emails that never arrive,
  • Is rude but denies that there’s anything wrong,
  • Shows anger in their body language but insist that everything is fine,
  • Disguises insults as compliments,
  • Twists your words.
• Being passive-aggressive is often a strategy that helps people manipulate a situation in their favor. This behavior is usually a reaction to a fear of rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a need for more power. However, it can negatively impact teams, making them slower to make decisions, communicate less effectively, and engage in unhealthy conflict.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to manage a passive-aggressive peer include:
  • Is the behavior triggered by something or me?
  • Is my coworker intentionally trying to hurt me?
  • Are past experiences with this coworker impacting present interactions?
  • When is this person passive-aggressive? Is this person more prone to passive-aggressive behavior when a certain other person is present?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Avoid labeling a person as passive-aggressive. People rarely acknowledge their passive-aggressive behavior. And, mislabeling people’s emotions can lead to further frustration, increasing their passive-aggressive tendencies.
2. Focus on the content and not the delivery of the person’s message. Seek to understand the underlying idea behind what the person is trying to say. Once you think you have a clear idea of your coworker’s thoughts, be direct. Ask them, “This is what I heard you say. Am I correct?” This also helps them be more direct.
3. Open up a conversation. Try to understand what is it that they want to achieve. When they become passive-aggressive, respectfully ask them what’s going on, making it clear that you’re interested in their perspective. Do it in a way that pushes them to label their own behavior and emotions.
4. Don’t engage in difficult conversations via e-mail or text. Having difficult conversations in written form is never a good idea, but it is especially dangerous with a passive-aggressive peer.
5. Make direct requests. Call attention to what’s happening, focusing on what you know for a fact, and talking without emotion, judgment, or exaggeration. Don’t get into a discussion about who’s right or wrong.
6. Get support from the team. Without gossiping, seek others’ perspectives to make sure that others interpret your coworker’s behavior in the same way as you. Then, come up with a strategy that can help you keep the person accountable. For instance, in a meeting, someone can volunteer to take notes and keep track of who’s responsible for accomplishing specific tasks by a given date.
7. If you are the manager, act. Passive-aggressive behavior diminishes psychological safety. As a manager, it is your responsibility to make it clear that this behavior is not tolerated

Chapter 7: The Know-It-All

• This archetype is convinced that they are the smartest person in an office, and they feel like they know better than anyone else.
• To determine if you’re dealing with a know-it-all, consider if they are demonstrating the following behaviors:
  • Having a low tolerance for other people’s ideas,
  • Monopolizing conversations,
  • Positioning personal ideas as superior,
  • Having difficulty listening to criticism or feedback,
  • Using condescending tones,
  • Explaining things that people already know,
  • Rarely asking questions,
  • Not sharing credit,
  • Interrupting.
• Some organizational cultures may reward people who act as if they have all the answers, conflating confidence with competence. This behavior often stems from a need to cover up insecurities or a sense that modesty and humility will not be rewarded in the organization.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to deal with a know-it-all include:
  • Are they trying to prove something?
  • Is their confidence warranted?
  • Is their confidence threatening me or making me feel insecure?
  • Is their behavior causing real issues for the team or is it simply annoying?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Appreciate what they have to offer. While the person’s attitude might not be conducive to collaboration, they may have something valuable to contribute to the team or organization.
2. Preempt interruptions. In a meeting, request that people refrain from interjecting until others are done speaking.
3. Politely address interruptions. Instead of raising your voice whenever someone interrupts, confidently and politely say, “I’m going to finish my point and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”
4. Set norms. Set rules that make everyone feel empowered to talk so that the know-it-all doesn’t take control of the meeting.
5. Model humility and an open mind. Once this challenging coworker sees that there are no consequences for expressing uncertainty, they might feel more comfortable expressing doubts, being humble, and encouraging others to participate.
6. Ask for facts and data. In a respectful and non-confrontational manner, ask the person for the resources or the data that backs up their declarations.
7. Ask them to stop. It’s possible that your coworker doesn’t know that their behavior is impacting others. In a private conversation, let them know that when they force themselves into a conversation, they impact the organizational culture.

Chapter 8: The Tormentor

• To determine if you’re dealing with a tormentor, watch out for the following behaviors. Your boss or colleague:
  • Accuses you of not being committed enough to work,
  • Sets almost impossible standards,
  • Proudly shares their own sacrifices,
  • Puts down your accomplishments,
  • Expects you to work outside of your regular schedule,
  • Denies time off
  • Lacks flexibility for personal commitments,
  • Attributes negative characteristics to a particular generation,
  • Claims that mistreatment is an exercise that helps build character.
• It’s possible that your tormentor lacks empathy because they’ve been in a similar experience before.
  • Research has found that it is hard to empathize with people who are going through a tough situation we have experienced before. We tend to underestimate the level of pain we felt at the time, and assume that because we were able to overcome it, others should be able to do the same.
• If your tormentor is a colleague, it’s possible that they might be motivated by envy. They might feel vulnerable or at risk of losing a promotion over you.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to manage your relationship with a tormentor include:
  • What else is going on with your tormentor? Research has found that anyone can become an abusive boss, as it is a common reaction to higher levels of stress.
  • Is your organization somehow encouraging this type of behavior?
  • Does your tormentor think they’re helping? Are they helping?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Encourage their empathy. Find ways to show them that you have a lot more similarities than they think. Seek their advice and ask them how they overcame battles in their career journeys.
2. Focus on a shared goal. Communicate in the first-person plural (i.e., we), to show your colleague that you are not competitors but on the same team.
3. Don’t engage in unhealthy competition. While it is hard not to give in to temptation, avoid competing as it will only make circumstances worse.
4. Change the balance of power. Increase their dependence on you. For instance, if your tormentor is an older person who struggles with technology, you can shift things in your favor by demonstrating your value and helping them manage technology.
5. Be direct. Address the problematic dynamic by saying something like, “I get the sense that we’re not working together as well as we could, and I’d really like to have a productive relationship with you.”
6. Bolster your own confidence. Don’t give in to imposter syndrome. If you feel like quitting but you like your job, don’t leave until you’re forced out.

Chapter 9: The Biased Coworker

• In this chapter, the author argues that we are all guilty of exhibiting some degree of bias even if we don’t intend harm. However, biases might lead to behaviors that are not okay.
• Gallo dedicates part of this chapter to describing subtle forms of bias that can affect interpersonal relationships. She argues that covert bias is a form of microaggressions that impact others. Some of these biases include:
  • Ascription of intelligence: Commenting on an attribute that you’re surprised the person has (e.g., a non-native English speaker’s eloquence).
  • Mislabeling: Labeling a behavior that is deemed acceptable for a majority as negative or unprofessional.
  • Benevolent bias: Assuming that someone is incapable or uninterested in something due to their circumstances (e.g., working mom).
  • Overfamiliarity: Using phrases or words that are demeaning or connote a false sense of closeness.
  • Assumptions based on apparent identity: Making assumptions based on stereotypes.
  • The myth of meritocracy: Acting as if bias or discrimination does not exist.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to help deal with a biased coworker include:
  • Were you the target of the discrimination or did you observe it?
  • What are the risks of speaking up? What are the risks of not speaking up?
  • Is it important that you respond immediately?
  • Does the company culture encourage speaking up?
  • Should you report the incident?
• Some tactics that Gallo recommends trying include:

1. Foster a growth mindset. Believing in people’s capacity to learn increases motivation to confront discrimination. Remind yourself that everyone is capable of growth. Be curious and seek to understand why people think it is fine to say what they say.
2. Accept your emotional response. It’s normal to feel upset or confused. Allow yourself to feel what you have to feel, but let your emotions die down before acting.
3. Have a set of responses ready. Rehearse what you’ll say ahead of time and have a few phrases ready. For instance, “I’m not sure you meant to say that.”
4. Ask questions. You can respond to a biased statement targeting you by asking a question like, “What did you mean by that?”
5. Share information. If a co-worker fails to see how they caused offense, help them find the information that challenges their assumptions.
6. Anticipate defensiveness. It’s highly unlikely that the person will hear you or thank you for your feedback. They are more likely to get defensive. If they do, and the statement was directed at you, clarify how you perceived the statement.
7. Former coalition. Find other people willing to combat biased behaviors with you.

Chapter 10: The Political Operator

• To determine if you’re dealing with a political operator or careerist, examine if your colleague engages in the following behaviors:
  • Bragging about their success,
  • Taking undue credit,
  • Acting like they’re in charge,
  • Gossiping and spreading rumors,
  • Pushing their own agenda,
  • Hoarding information,
  • Undermining you, or
  • Not inviting you to meetings or sharing critical details that will inform your work.
• There is some overlap between the careerist and a few other archetypes including the passive-aggressive colleague, the insecure manager, and the know-it-all.
• While all offices are political, and working with others means negotiating and compromising, a careerist is engaged in office politics that are not appropriate.
• Scarcity, insecurity, and power are the three main drivers of these behaviors.
• Gallo clarifies that gossip is one of the careerist’s most common strategies. However, negative gossip can negatively impact productivity and trust, and increase divisiveness.
• Some questions to ask yourself before engaging in any tactics to manage your relationship with a political operator include:
  • Which behaviors are problematic and in what way?
  • What do the people in power care about?
  • Should I be playing office politics more? Would it help my team if I improved my persuasive strategies or my influence on my leaders?
• Some tactics to try include:

1. Don’t get dragged in. Engaging in unhealthy competition or gossiping will reflect badly on you. You don’t want to go against your values either.
2. Make your good work known. Find a productive and ethical way to let the right people know about your accomplishments.
3. Help the political operator. Helping your difficult colleague can lower their defensiveness. They’re usually accustomed to seeing everyone as competition so generosity and support may prompt them to help you in return.
4. Ask for advice. Asking them for their insights can help you earn their trust.
5. Be wary of attitude reversal. If the political operator starts trusting you too much, you might feel relieved. However, Gallo suggests you remain alert as they may be using your healthy relationship for their own gain.
6. Explain their behavior’s impact. Likely, the careerist is not aware of the impact their behavior has on others. Respectfully let them know how they are perceived by others and encourage them to change. Avoid emotion and judgment.
7. Tailor your approach to the political strategy
8. Lying: Find a polite and respectful way to confront them when they’re lying without engaging in long discussions about who’s telling the truth.
9. Gossip: Interrupt the negative gossip when you hear it. If the gossip is about you, deal with it directly, but without making accusations.
10. Stealing credit: Ask questions that will shift the burden of proof to your colleague. Paraphrase what they said when they stole credit and ask them if it was intentional. The goal is to have them explain why they felt justified.
11. Model generosity. Model the behavior in which you’d want your colleague to engage. For instance, speak highly of that person in meetings.

Chapter 11: Nine Principles for Getting Along with Anyone

1. Focus on what you can control. For people to change, they must want to alter their behavior. Sometimes, simply sharing our insights with them will not be enough. In those cases, all you can do is try to understand the person and ask them if they’re open to talking about how their behavior impacts the organization.
2. Your perspective is just one perspective. When it comes to difficult conversations or challenging situations, perspectives vary and there is rarely one objective truth. Fundamental attribution error is a cognitive bias where we assume that people’s behavior has more to do with their personality than the situation they face. It’s important to remember to challenge your assumptions and even your perspectives.
3. Be aware of your own biases. Humans tend to unconsciously get along with people who are similar to themselves. We are also prone to a confirmation bias where we interpret events in a manner that confirms our existing beliefs. With that in mind, challenge any other possible biases that might be impacting your relationships with others.
4. Don’t make it me against them. Seek to separate the person from the problem and focus on the dynamic between you.
5. Rely on empathy. We tend to assume that people have negative intentions, but it is a good idea to give your coworker the benefit of the doubt. Err on the side of assuming that they have a logical reason for acting the way they did.
6. Keep your goals in mind. Be clear about what you want. If your goal is to avoid the negative effects your pessimistic colleague has on you, you should rely on a different strategy than if your goal is to let them know how their behavior impacts the organization.
7. Avoid gossiping. While workplace gossip can help coworkers bond and share information, and it has been found it deters people from behaving negatively, gossiping can reflect poorly on you.
8. Experiment to find what works. Improving your relationships takes time and not all strategies work. You’ll need to try out some of these tactics, adjust them to your specific case, and figure out what works.
9. Be curious. Curiosity can keep us from conforming to our confirmation biases and from stereotyping people. It also helps prevent the amygdala from reacting impulsively when we feel threatened. Finally, curiosity helps us question the stories that we tell ourselves to fill in the gaps when we lack information.

PART 3 – PROTECTING YOURSELF

Chapter 12: When All Else Fails

• If you’ve tried these strategies and your coworker doesn’t seem to change, focus on protecting your career, reputation, health, and ability to do your job instead.
• If your difficult colleague is increasing your stress levels, find a way to interact less with them. If this is not an option, try to lighten the tone of your interactions. Gallo proposes turning them into a game, such as counting how many times you get a smile out of your pessimistic peer.
• If the situation with your difficult colleague escalates, document their transgressions and your successes. When you do so, note the time and place, what was said, what was done, by whom, and who else was present.
  • Another option is communicating with your manager or someone who can provide advice and feedback, or who can intervene and reprimand your coworker’s behavior. Be careful not to appear a complainer.
  • Note that involving HR might not be a good idea. HR is there to protect the institution and not the employee, though they do have legal obligations in some circumstances.
• If the situation is making you miserable, but you are in a situation where you can’t quit, set a goal for how long you’ll stay. Having an end date can help the time pending in your current job more bearable. 

Chapter 13: Approaches That Rarely Work

• Engaging in maladaptive forms of coping mechanisms can backfire.
• Suppressing your emotions can lead to emotional leakage and physiological consequences, including poor memory, cardiovascular problems, and increased stress levels.
  • People often advise us to ignore other people’s challenging behaviors, but this only works if we can truly let go.
• Retaliating rarely ever works. Not only does it intensify a sense of opposition, which results in your peer worsening their difficult behaviors, but it will also make you look bad.
• Shaming and humiliating someone doesn’t work because feelings of shame do not inspire people to behave better. It makes people behave even worse.
• Sometimes, it is the organization’s culture that triggers toxic behaviors. There might be systems that encourage hostility over cooperation, for instance. And, in those cases, it’s not about seeking to change the individual but rather the organization.

Chapter 14: Taking Care

• There are healthy coping mechanisms and strategies to help take care of yourself as you deal with difficult colleagues.
• Take steps to increase your sense of control over the situation and focus on the things that you can impact. Engaging in healthy behaviors like sleeping, eating healthily, and exercising is essential.
• Venting sometimes relieves stress. Try not to wallow in negative feelings but share them in confidence so that you can prevent future emotional leakage. You can also consider venting in writing, such as in a journal.
• To avoid the negative effects of unhealthy relationships, purposely look for like-minded individuals with whom you can foster positive interactions.
• Focus on having a healthy life outside of your work. You can find fulfillment in your friends and family, building communities, having hobbies, etc. Research shows that a healthy life outside of work is strongly correlated with thriving job performance.
• As you go through this process, make sure that you are empathetic towards yourself. Avoid ruminating on your failures to improve your relationships and be kind to yourself.
• Finally, accept that not every relationship is going to be perfect and that’s okay.