Never Eat Alone

About the Author

Keith Ferrazzi is an author and entrepreneur. He attended Yale University and went to Harvard Business School. He worked at a management consulting firm, Deloitte, where he rose to chief marketing officer (CMO). He later became CMO at Starwood, becoming the youngest CMO in the Fortune 500 at the time.

Ferrazzi also worked at YaYa Media, an entertainment company. Then, he founded Ferrazzi Greenlight, a research and consulting firm, and Greenlight Research Institute. Both companies focus on the role of positive relationships in business to stimulate success.

Ferrazzi has written two New York Time bestsellers, Never Eat Alone and Who’s Got your Back? In 2020, he published a new book Leading Without Authority. He also coined the term co-elevation, a mission-driven approach to collaboration and problem-solving.

Sources: Wikipedia and “About the Author” section of the book

Our one-sentence summary

The key to success is creating a community of family, friends, colleagues and associates based on generosity.

Publisher’s Summary

“Do you want to get ahead in life? Climb the ladder to personal success? The secret, master networker Keith Ferrazzi claims, is in reaching out to other people. As Ferrazzi discovered early in life, what distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships—so that everyone wins.

In Never Eat Alone, Ferrazzi lays out the specific steps—and inner mindset—he uses to reach out to connect with the thousands of colleagues, friends, and associates on his contacts list, people he has helped and who have helped him. And in the time since Never Eat Alone was published in 2005, the rise of social media and new, collaborative management styles have only made Ferrazzi’s advice more essential for anyone hoping to get ahead in business.

The son of a small-town steelworker and a cleaning lady, Ferrazzi first used his remarkable ability to connect with others to pave the way to Yale, a Harvard M.B.A., and several top executive posts. Not yet out of his thirties, he developed a network of relationships that stretched from Washington’s corridors of power to Hollywood’s A-list, leading to him being named one of Crain’s 40 Under 40 and selected as a Global Leader for Tomorrow by the Davos World Economic Forum.

Ferrazzi’s form of connecting to the world around him is based on generosity, helping friends connect with other friends. Ferrazzi distinguishes genuine relationship-building from the crude, desperate glad-handing usually associated with “networking.” He then distills his system of reaching out to people into practical, proven principles. Among them:

• Don’t keep score: It’s never simply about getting what you want. It’s about getting what you want and making sure that the people who are important to you get what they want, too.
• “Ping” constantly: The ins and outs of reaching out to those in your circle of contacts all the time—not just when you need something.
• Never Eat Alone: The dynamics of status are the same whether you’re working at a corporation or attending a social event—“invisibility” is a fate worse than failure.
• Become the “King of Content”: How to use social media sites like LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook to make meaningful connections, spark engagement, and curate a network of people who can help you with your interests and goals.

Chock-full of specific advice on handling rejection, getting past gatekeepers, becoming a “conference commando,” and more, this new edition of Never Eat Alone will remain a classic alongside How to Win Friends and Influence People for years to come.”

Source: Book Jacket

Detailed Never Eat Alone Summary

Preface: Expanded and Updated Edition

• Social science research suggests that satisfying our need to have meaningful relationships impacts our degree of life satisfaction and our creativity, innovation, and ability to progress.
• Today, social capital is the most valuable form of currency, as it is a network of relationships that provide information, expertise, and trust. Success depends on the people you meet and what you create together.
• Ferrazzi recommends that readers don’t wait until they feel like they’ve mastered relationship building to get started.
• This book will help create successful networking strategies, build a reputation, increase online influence, help get discovered, and align social capital to your goals. 

Section 1 – The Mindset

Chapter 1: Becoming a Member of the Club

• When author Keith Ferrazzi went to Harvard Business school, he noticed he possessed an ability that separated him from his classmates – one that he developed thanks to his time caddying at a country club: skills associated with building and fostering relationships.
  • Coming from a lower socioeconomic status family, Ferrazzi learned at a young age that poverty wasn’t just a lack of resources. It was also an isolation from the kind of people that can help you become better.
  • Ferrazzi contends that the individual who knows the right people, whether he started as a caddie or not, can become a member of “the club.” He argues that “people do business with people they know and like” (p. 8).
• Regardless of the industry or field, success greatly depends on working with people. Key within this process of relationship building is generosity. Real networking comes from helping others become more successful. Work hard to give.
• Building a career with the help of a network (family, friends, associates) has the following virtues:
  • You’ll never get bored, and you’ll always be learning.
  • Everyone benefits from your growth in a relationship-driven career.
  • Connecting with people provides support, flexibility, and opportunities for self-development.
  • The loyalty and security that organizations used to provide now comes from building relationships and having a trustworthy network.

Chapter 2: Don’t Keep Score

• When Ferrazzi gets asked what the secrets of success are, he always responds with “generosity.”
  • You have to learn to accept generosity, but harder than that, you also have to learn to ask for it.
  • You must also offer help.
• People who tend to keep score will often refuse help. They believe that by accepting a favor they will then own one in return. But a network works precisely because of a recognition of mutual need.
  • “The more people you help, the more help you will have and the more help you’ll have helping others” (p. 16).
  • Society values autonomy and independence, but these virtues taken to the extreme are career killers. Ferrazzi tells of an acquaintance who kept score and saw every social encounter in terms of diminishing returns. He perceived the goodwill in a relationship as finite transactions, failing to understand that equity builds equity.
• The working environment has changed. Employees tend to offer little loyalty to their companies and are increasingly becoming free agents and entrepreneurs with personal brands. Employees once found generosity and loyalty in their jobs, but now they must do so in the social networks that they build.
• Relationships solidify through trust. To gain trust, ask not what others can do for you, but what you can do for others. Some of the lessons worth highlighting in creating relationships include:
  • Business cycles come and go, but friends and trusted associates remain.
  • If you need a job, money, advice, or a means to make a sale, you will find help in your circle of friends and associates.
  • There is no point in keeping track of favors. Give as much as possible, and you will receive.
  • Keep in mind that today’s assistant is tomorrow’s influence-peddling associate. It’s easier to get ahead when those below you are happy to help you.
  • Give time, money, expertise, and whatever you can to build your community.

Chapter 3: What’s Your Mission?

• Be specific about what you want to do. That way, it becomes easier to develop the strategies and networks that will help you accomplish your goals. Ferrazzi recommends a three-step approach to goal setting:
  1. Step 1: Find Your Passion
     • A goal is a dream with a deadline. Over 50% of Americans are unhappy at work, even if they are doing well. They don’t enjoy work. The key is figuring out where your talents and desires intersect – where passion and ability meet. To do so,
       • Look Inside. Conduct an internal review where you forget about your constraints: money, time, obligations, etc. Create a list of your dreams and goals. Then create a list of the things that bring you joy and pleasure. Connect the two and look for intersections.
       • Look Outside. Ask those closest to you about their perceptions of your strengths and weaknesses.
     • Once you define your overarching goal, emotionally commit to it. But then also work hard and have discipline.
  2. Step 2: Put Goals into Paper
     • The Relationship Action Planis a tool with three main parts. First, it helps develop your goals into tangible steps. Then, it connects those goals with people and places that can help. Finally, it determines the strategies to connect with those people (covered in the following chapters).
     • When working on the Relationship Action Plan, list a goal you want to reach in three years, and then work backwards, setting mid- and short-term goals.
       • Your goals must be specific, concrete, and detailed.
       • Your goals should include the necessary steps you must take, have a specific deadline, and include a way of measuring whether you achieve them or not.
       • Your goals should be believable. If you don’t think you’ll be able to reach them, you won’t.
       • Your goals should challenge you.

1. 3. Step 3: Create Your Own “Board of Advisors”
      • You can’t achieve your goals alone. Find friends, associates, or family members that will play the roles of counselors, mentors, cheerleaders, supervisors, and people who keep you accountable.

Chapter 4: Build It Before You Need It

• A common misconception about networking is that you only need to do it when you need something, especially a job. In reality, you must build this system of contacts, mentors, and friends before you need anything at all.
  • The goal is not to focus on finding an environment or a contact for tomorrow when you might need a new job. Instead, it’s about having a community no matter what may occur. Such a community is not meant to be used only when necessary either.
• There are several ways to create a community where relationships are based on trust. The key is commitment and understanding that this type of community is built little by little. Ultimately, however, it is such a community that will improve your career development.
• To build a network, even if you don’t need it right now,
  • Work on a company project that will put you in contact with new people,
  • Take a leadership position in the activities or hobbies you perform outside of work,
  • Join a club (e.g., alumni) and spend time with people whose jobs interest you.
  • Enroll in a class at a community college on a subject that is related to your interests.
• You can build a network by contacting friends of your parents, siblings, and friends. You can also talk to people from college, church, gym, and even your doctor or realtor.

Chapter 5: The Genius of Audacity

• Ferrazzi recounts a story of his childhood when his father saw a tricycle in someone’s trash and asked the owner if he could take it and fix it to give it to his son. The owner agreed and also gave him a bike that she no longer used.
  • With this story, Ferrazzi tells that one of the most important lessons his father taught him is to never fear asking. “Nothing in my life has created opportunity like a willingness to ask, whatever the situation” (p. 51).
  • Sometimes, reaching out to people might fail. Not everyone you want to befriend will be interested. Audacity in networking is like dating in terms of its associated fears and pitfalls. However, fear of rejection shouldn’t stop you.
• To deal with the anxiety of reaching out to people you don’t know, acknowledge that fear is normal. But then ponder the fear of embarrassment with the fear of losing great opportunities or the risk of failure. Then, get over the fear and commit to improving your social skills.
• To become more comfortable socializing:
  • Find a role model whom you can imitate.
  • Learn to speak and overcome shyness through self-confidence.
  • Get involved. Use your hobbies as opportunities.
  • Get therapy if necessary.
  • Just do it.

Chapter 6: The Networking Jerk

• The networking jerk is a hyper-contact-builder and card counter who fails to understand authentic connecting. A few rules that keep you from becoming such a person include:
  • Don’t schmooze. Have something important to say when you contact someone, and make sure to offer value to the other person.
  • Don’t use gossip as currency. If you gossip, even if to connect, you’ll lose people’s trust.
  • Don’t come to the party empty-handed. In connecting with people, whether in-person or virtually, you’re only as good as what you give.
  • Don’t treat anyone under you poorly. Treat everyone with respect. Some who start off under you might become superiors or people who can facilitate further connections.
  • Be transparent. People are more likely to trust you when they know you’re honest with them. Even when it comes to meeting someone, don’t hide your enthusiasm. Be who you are.
  • Don’t be too efficient. If you mass email people or have your assistant sign and send Christmas cards for you, you won’t develop meaningful connections. It comes off as insincere and people will dislike you. 

Section 2 – The Skill Set

Chapter 7: Do Your Homework

• Don’t leave to chance who you meet, how you meet them, and what they end up thinking of you. Prepare ahead of time. Introduce yourself once you’ve performed enough research so that you can find mutual interests.
  • Google people, use LinkedIn, check out their Twitter account, find information from their public relations department, and review their companies’ annual reports. These strategies will provide enough information for you to sustain a meaningful conversation.
• This process, “doing your homework,” is not enough. Find common ground that is deep and rich enough that you can go beyond a simple connection and actually bond and impress.

Chapter 8: Take Names

• Once you have deciphered what your mission is, identify who can help you get there. Nowadays, finding information is easy. The challenge is filtering it out. The same is true for the people you meet.
• To manage contacts, make a list. Create categories within such a list, each corresponding to your goals. As you go through it, name decision makers and not just organizations.
  • If you’re having difficulty writing the list, start with the following people:
    • Relatives and friends of relatives,
    • Spouse’s or partner’s friends and relatives,
    • Colleagues and members of professional and social organizations,
    • Current customers and clients,
    • Parents of your children’s friends,
    • Neighbors and people with whom you went to school,
    • Former colleagues, teachers, employers
    • People with whom you socialize,
    • People who provide you services,
    • Online connections (e.g., Facebook).
  • As you add names to your list, don’t worry about whether you can contact them right now or not. Focus on mapping out a landscape.
  • Use LinkedIn’s networking affordances. E.g., every profile you visit displays a “People similar to [contact],” and a map of the person’s network.
  • Eventually, you will want to add a category for aspirational contacts (extremely high-level people who you want to meet).

Chapter 9: Warming the Cold Call

• Sometimes, when you call or email people, especially those you don’t know, not getting an answer isn’t unusual. Most of the time, putting your ego aside will help, and eventually, they will get back to you.
  • When they do, do not express any annoyance at how much time they took to answer. But don’t apologize for your persistence, either. Just dive in as if the person answered on the first attempt.
• A cold call is an unsolicited call. To avoid having to make one, you can try several strategies to make the encounter less uncomfortable:
  • Convey credibility and trustworthiness by mentioning a mutual friend or acquaintance. This will increase the likelihood that they will get back to you. It helps you stand out from other anonymous calls as well.
  • State your value proposition. You have limited time to convince the person not to get off the call as quickly as possible. Make sure you quickly get to how meeting you benefits them.
  • Don’t talk too much but do say a lot. Say enough to get them interested to meet you. Use such an appointment to discuss details.
  • Impart urgency and convenience. Let them know you’re willing to adjust and meet them on their own terms. Be prepared to offer a compromise that secures follow-up.
• If you are contacting someone for the first time via email, work hard on the subject line. This is your strongest hook. Make them curious.
  • Be conscious about the time you send emails. The morning, lunchtime, and last hours of the workday are usually times when people answer emails.
  • Be brief. If you make your email so long that the person needs to scroll, you’ll probably lose their interest.
  • Make sure you include a call to action. Such a request should be clear but easy to perform (e.g., a fifteen-minute phone call, including suggested times and days).
  • Read your emails out loud to ensure you’re being clear and conversational. Time your emails too. Try not to go over forty-five seconds.
  • There is no excuse for poor spelling or grammar. Be especially careful how you spell their names. 

Chapter 10: Managing the Gatekeeper – Artfully

• Sometimes it is hard to contact someone, especially when they have assistants who are charged with filtering out calls. When this happens, you have to work on making the gatekeeper your ally. Never get on an assistant’s bad side.
  • If they’re good, assistants and secretaries go beyond being the bosses’ helpful associate. They become trusted friends, advocates, and even integral parts of an organization’s functioning and their bosses’ personal lives.
  • Treat them with dignity and respect. They’re decision-makers that can open or close doors for you. Acknowledge their help and be thankful.
• Whatever you do, work hard on never angering the gatekeeper. If an assistant isn’t giving you information, putting you on the boss’s calendar, or transferring your call, you may have to call a few times. The goal is to establish a presence and let them know you’re not going away. But be careful not to be disrespectful.
  • Turn them into your allies with respect, humor, compassion, and gratitude.
• You can use several forms of communication. Sometimes, e-mails, letters, faxes, or postcards have better chances of making it to the hands of the person you’re trying to reach than a phone call.

Chapter 11: Never Eat Alone

• Like a Hollywood celebrity, the dynamic in a network greatly depends on visibility. When building a community, never disappear. Keep your social, conference, and event calendars full.
• Reaching out to other requires hard work. But you don’t always have to work for long periods of time. It’s not about having your day full of phone calls and meetings that are solely meant to build your network. Rather than time consuming, it should be fun.
• Someone once told Ferrazzi, “I’d have to clone myself to take all the meetings you take” (p. 101). But Ferrazzi explains that rather than cloning himself, he clones events.
  • E.g., In one occasion, Ferrazzi had to meet with three different people: an old client who was the former president of LEGO, the COO of Broadway Videos, and a close friend. He figured he could have dinner with the three of them (cloning the event), knowing that they would all benefit from meeting each other as well.
  • Introducing people to each other is a good practice to consider. It’s beneficial for them, for you, and for everyone’s network.
  • The more connections you establish, the more opportunities you’ll have.
• To stay visible when your business is mostly virtual, rely on social media, but more importantly, invest on attending conferences and visiting cities.

Chapter 12: Share Your Passions

• Ferrazzi argues that networking events aren’t the best environments for networking. These are usually filled with people who are unemployed and quick to pass resumes around. And in the process of building a network, who you meet is as important as where you meet.
  • E.g., there is camaraderie among those who fly first class. They tend to assume everyone alongside them is important and will most likely spark conversations. At a networking event, the opposite is true. They assume you’re as desperate as they are to find a job. Ultimately, shared interests build relationships.
• Relationships are also based on quality rather than quantity. What you do together matters the most (not how often you meet). Pay attention to where you’re most comfortable and what activities you enjoy to invite people over and foster relationships.
  • E.g., Ferrazzi explains that he is passionate about giving back and helping those in need. He usually involves new connections in this type of endeavor. When you’re truly passionate about something, it becomes contagious. Passion draws people in, and they tend to let their guard down.
• Contrary to business wisdom, Ferrazzi believes there doesn’t have to be a rigid line between private and public lives. Personal attributes can sometimes increase connectedness. And with stronger relationships, careers and businesses are more successful.
• The event you build around your passions will create a deeper level of intimacy. But make sure to match these events with the relationships you are trying to build.
• To keep in touch with friends or build new relationships, you can:
  • Meet for 15 minutes and a cup of coffee (especially if this is someone new),
  • Attend conferences,
  • Invite someone to share a hobby (golf, chess, etc.),
  • Meet for breakfast, lunch, drinks, or dinner (food helps break the ice),
  • Invite someone to a special event (theater, concert, etc.),
  • Entertain at your home (making sure this is an intimate event),
  • Volunteer.

Chapter 13: Follow Up or Fail

• When you meet someone, take the extra step of following up if you want to establish a relationship. Otherwise, people can forget you.
  • Give yourself 12 to 24 hours after you meet someone to follow up. You can send them an email and later follow it with a LinkedIn request. In your follow-up, you can also ask about a second meeting.
• In your follow-up, the key is to emphasize what you can do for them (instead of reminding them of what they can do for you). You want to give them a reason to follow up with you.
• The following are key characteristics to include in your follow-ups:
  • Express gratitude,
  • Include an item of interest from your meeting or conversation,
  • Reaffirm commitments,
  • Be brief and to the point,
  • Address the note with the person’s name,
• Make follow-up a habit.

Chapter 14: Be a Conference Commando

• Military strategists know that many battles are won by the side that determines where, when, and how the encounter will occur. In a similar sense, you shouldn’t simply attend a conference but use the opportunity to rely on tactical strategies to meet new people who can help you with your mission.
• A common misconception about conferences is that the purpose is to gather new insights. You can usually find most of the valuable information shared in these events in books or articles, or through experience. Instead, conferences are about extending your professional network.
• The following are conference rules that Ferrazzi follows at every event he attends:

1. 1. Help the Organizer (Or Be the Organizer). Once you become part of the organizing committee, you can easily find out who will attend and which events are the most valuable. You can then prepare ahead of time and do proper research.
      • To become part of such a team, find out who the main person organizing the event is and offer to help.
   2. Better Yet, Speak. Giving a speech is among the easiest and most effective ways to make yourself and your business heard. If you can’t become a speaker at a conference, ask interesting questions during Q&A sessions to distinguish yourself.
   3. Organize a Conference Within the Conference. While at a conference, you can organize your own informal dinner and discussion. Before the event, scout for restaurants, and as you meet people, invite them to dinner. Then, introduce people to each other.
   4. Draft Off a Big Kahuna. If you find the person in the conference that is the most connected (the one who knows everyone), you’ll be able to expand your circle. These people are usually the conference organizers, speakers, and name-brand CEOs.
   5. Be an Information Hub. Come prepared. Identify what information is worthy of the people you want to meet.
   6. Become a Reporter. Identify key influencers who will tweet about the conference. Follow them and their hashtags, and become active in the conversation.
   7. Master Deep Bump. The bump is the two-minute opportunity you get to talk to someone with whom you “bumped into.” Your goal is to leave the encounter with an invitation to reconnect later.
      • In those two minutes, look into the person’s eyes, listen intently, ask questions that go beyond business, reveal a little about yourself, and introduce a bit of vulnerability (as described by Brené Brown).
   8. Know Your Targets. Make a list of the people to bump against. Ask the conference organizer to point you to where these individuals will be and figure out a strategy to encounter them.
   9. Breaks are No Time to Take Breaks. Breaks are when people gather and talk. Use this opportunity to meet people. Find a good place where you can station yourself.
   10. Follow Up. Refer to Chapter 13. If you didn’t meet the speakers, you can also send them a note letting them know you were impressed and would like to meet.
   11. It’s About the People, Not the Speakers. The content of the conferences isn’t as useful as the opportunity to connect. There are exceptions, but even when the speakers are interesting, conferences are about the people with whom you can connect.

• In conferences, you should also avoid becoming one of the following:

1. 1. The Wallflower: The person who thinks they’re there to watch the speakers and positions themself in the far corner of the room.
   2. The Ankle Hugger: The co-dependent who thinks the first person they meet is their new best friend and shadows them the entire conference.
   3. The Celebrity Hound: the person who focuses solely on trying to meet the most important person in the conference.
   4. The Smarmy Eye Darter: Insincerity will give you a bad reputation. No matter how short the time you spend with someone, make sure every second if based on warmth and sincerity.
   5. The Card Dispenser: The person who spends most time passing business cards around. Cards are overrated. Focus on getting a future meeting.

 Chapter 15: Connecting with Connectors

• We all know someone who seems to know everyone. Spend time getting connected with these individuals. Often, it’s not close friends and family members who provide opportunities. The acquaintances in your network are often the most important.
  • Close friends and family are in the same world as you, so they often know the same information you know. The weaker ties move in different realms and are more likely to have the information you lack. That’s why you need to connect with a super connector.
• Once you connect with a connector, “you’re only two degrees away from the thousands of people they know” (p. 138). You can find connectors in any industry, but most commonly, you’ll find them in the following professions:

1. 1. Find a restaurant or two that you really like and frequent them. Become a regular and meet the staff. When you entertain for work, bring them there. Once you know and befriend the owners, they will likely introduce you to other clients.
   2. Recruiters, job counselors, and search executives are gatekeepers that answer to several executives in the industry in which they recruit. If you can’t hire them, offer them a network of contacts to make them receptive.
   3. These people will often host cocktail parties and dinner get-togethers, allowing them to interact with politicians in a casual atmosphere. If you can volunteer your services or help them, you can connect with such a connector.
   4. Fund-raisers. These are individuals who know how to follow money. They know where it is, what it takes to get it, and who’s most likely to give it away. They are usually well-liked. If you can befriend a fund-raiser, you will have a world of connections.
   5. Public relations people. People in PR have close relationships with journalists and clients. A friend in PR can put you in contact with the media.
   6. Politicians at any level, if successful, are like celebrities, and their networks reflect that. Join a local chamber of commerce and befriend young but growing politicians.
   7. Journalists A journalist can help with providing the right exposure, turning a company or a nobody into somebody. They are always in need of stories and are usually accessible because they tend not to be famous, so reaching out is not as challenging.
   8. Authors, bloggers, and gurus. The dramatic changes in social media can help boost your organization’s fame. A simple retweet can help increase your virtual presence.

Chapter 16: Expanding Your Circle

• The best way to expand your circle is by connecting it to someone else’s circle. These are collaborations in which you work with others to expand networks as you would with a partner in your company.
  • As an example, Ferrazzi recounts his experience befriending a Bel-Air hotel manager in Los Angeles. They agreed to co-host events in the hotel, bringing together a mix of people from the entertainment and business industries, introducing people and expanding networks.
• If there is an industry you need access to, find a central figure in such a world who can help you expand your circle, making sure you can expand theirs as well.
• When you’re introduced to new people, be sure to adequately acknowledge the person who opens the doors for you to enter this new world. E.g., If you’re going to invite someone who was just introduced to you to an event, make sure you also invite the person who introduced you.
• Two rules of thumb are:

1. 1. You and the person you share contacts with are equal partners: give as much as you get.
   2. Trust your partner because you will have to vouch for them (their behavior with your network reflects on you).

• When collaborating like this, be careful not to give any one person complete access to your entire network.

 Chapter 17: The Art of Small Talk

• While many people avoid small talk and prefer emailing or chatting to interact with others, these new modes of communication aren’t good to build new relationships. Digital communication is about speed and brevity. You need to have a conversation to connect.
• You can learn to make good small talk and conversations. And, while it has a bad reputation, small talk is the most important type of talk you can do to connect.
• Your objective in making small talk is to start a conversation, create a bond, and leave the person feeling like they liked you. You need to make an impression. The best way to do that is to genuinely be yourself.
• People in business often think that secrecy is important. But vulnerability (as presented by Brené Brown) is key in relationship building. Everyone has something in common with every other person. If you don’t open up, you won’t find those similarities.
  • If you feel nervous about opening up, think about it this way: What’s the worst thing that can happen? They don’t respond kindly. If so, they probably aren’t people worth knowing anyway. But if the risk of opening up pays off, you’ve transformed an otherwise boring exchange into an interesting one.
• Some safe conversation starters are: asking people how they got started in their business, what they enjoy most about their jobs, and asking about challenges in their industries. But these rarely build connections. “The best way to become good at small talk is not to talk small at all” (p. 160).

1. 1. Learn the Power of Nonverbal Cues. You have ten seconds to make a first impression. Subconsciously, people decide in ten seconds whether they like you or not. Work on your smile, maintaining proper eye contact, keeping your arms unfolded and relaxed, and learning to touch people (e.g., touch the elbow when you shake someone’s hand).
   2. Be Sincere. Make others feel special too. How you treat them is how they will treat you.
   3. Develop Conversational Currency. Whenever you meet someone, be prepared to have something to say. Cultivate niches of interest.
   4. Adjust Your Johari Window. This model suggests that successful communication depends on the degree to which we can align our windows (i.e., the level of comfort with exposure someone has, usually depending on how introverted or extroverted one is) with those with whom we interact.
   5. Make a Graceful Exit. If you’re at an event and you need to go talk to someone else, you can respectfully let the other person know. Don’t just leave them hanging or cut them off.
   6. Until We Meet Again. Small talk needs to end with an invitation to continue the relationship.
   7. Learn to Listen. Seek first to understand than to be understood. We often worry so much about what we should say that we don’t listen. Focus on listening to people. Laugh at their jokes. Always remember their names and use them at least once.
   8. Give a Good Chat. Even if virtually, take the time to talk. Sign-off emails warmly, keep chat channels open, and have jokes handy.
   9. “If All Else Fails, Five Words that Never Do… ‘You’re Wonderful. Tell me more’” (p. 167).

 Section 3 – Turning Connections intro Compatriots

Chapter 18: Health, Wealth, and Children

• When conversing with someone he has just met, Ferrazzi usually tries to figure out their key motivator. It often is one of the following three: making money, finding love, or changing the world. He argues it’s important to understand what drives people for you to help them satisfy their needs.
• No one gets ahead in today’s world on their own. We all need help. Without relying on intimidation or manipulation, there is only one way to have anyone do anything for you: recognize their importance – make them feel significant and recognized or appreciated.
  • The best way to show appreciation is to take an interest in who they are and their mission. Helping them get closer to their goals helps not only form a bond but also strengthen it.
• Three main factors help create deep bonds: health, wealth, and children. If you help anyone in any of these three fundamental areas, you help them fulfill basic needs and allow them to move beyond their basic needs and address their desires.
  • Helping someone through a health issue is sometimes as simple as providing emotional support. Other times, you can recommend doctors, facilitate a process, or provide non-medical advice.
  • Impacting someone’s wealth isn’t necessarily financing their ideas or finding them a job. You can help by revising their resume, agreeing to become a reference, or connecting people.
  • People’s children mean everything to them. Taking a sincere interest in someone’s children is always going to help, and it’s often fun. You’ll gain a lot of loyalty. You can mentor someone, get them an internship, or teach them about your area of expertise.

Chapter 19: Social Arbitrage

• There are two routes to power: intimidation or force of will, and becoming indispensable. But it isn’t easy to get anything done if people dislike you. Social arbitragerefers to the constant exchange of favors and intelligence that takes place in today’s world. To become indispensable, become a source of solutions for others’ problems.
• Indispensability also comes in the form of knowledge, connections, and goodwill. Successfully connecting with people is about getting what you want and making sure that the people who are important to you get what they want first.
  • The more people you know from different social groups, the greater your ability to bridge different worlds. This gives you a competitive advantage.
  • In instances when you don’t have any advice, your solution to someone’s problem can come in the form of connecting them with someone who does.
• If you have limited resources (financial or relational), remember that knowledge is free. You can acquire it from many different resources. Then, you only have to learn to distribute it in your network.

Chapter 20: Pinging – All the Time

• Building and maintaining a relationship is simply about keeping in touch. Pinging is the process of quickly and casually greeting people. While it can be done in several different ways, it does require effort.
• To be on the top of people’s minds, you need repetition. They need to see and hear your name in at least three modes of communication (e.g., email, phone, and face-to-face). You also need to nurture a developing relationship through the same media.
• To transform a contact into a friend, use in-person meetings outside the office at least twice. Secondary relationships require two or three pings a year.
  • While social media is useful for pinging, it can never replace direct contact with the highest-priority people in your network.
• After categorizing your network (see Ch. 8), go through it and label who gets contacted at least once a month, quarterly, or once a year. Then, segment your list. As it grows, you’ll need to find strategies to organize and find contacts based on geography, industry, etc. The objective is to quickly find people when you travel or when you need to connect with someone in a specific field.
• With the advent of social media, you are challenged with not becoming a spammer (sending messages that people won’t find interesting) and managing your inflow so that you get the right information from the right people. Spend time organizing your social media.

Chapter 21: Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them

• Throwing dinner parties is essential in relationship building. They create memories and strengthen bonds. Regarding invitees, you need to find a balance between simply inviting the same people each time (otherwise, your circle won’t grow) and too many random strangers (they likely won’t show up).
• An anchor tenant is a person who sets a bridge between you and another social circle. We all know someone who knows someone outside of our circle. It is through anchor tenants that you reach and invite “strangers” to your dinner party who will actually show up.
  • To figure out who these invitees are, listen to certain cues when your friends speak. Who keeps popping up? Who impacted them?
  • In terms of industry, journalists, artists, actors (even if not famous), and political consultants are usually great anchor guests.
• When planning a dinner party, consider the following strategies:
  • Invite between six to ten guests.
  • Invite an extra set of six people (who you know won’t get offended for not being invited to the main event) to show up for drinks and dessert. This helps lighten the mood and makes the dinner last longer as more people begin to show up at the time when the party otherwise tends to die down.
  • Create a theme that will help you decide on the food and atmosphere.
  • Use formal invitations. It shows you devoted time to planning, and people are more willing to show up.
  • Don’t stay in the kitchen all the time. Hire a caterer or cook ahead of time.
  • Keep it simple. You don’t have to be fancy.
  • Try not to sit couples together. Use place cards to mix and match people together.
  • People take cues from the host.
  • After the party, send thank you notes and photographs via email (using bcc or a private link).

Section 4 – Connecting in the Digital Age

Chapter 22: Tap the Fringe

• The fringe refers to an essential part of your network: the outer reaches we access and manage through technology. Using it effectively means accessing timely and relevant information.
• Structure your social media and curate your online network in a way in which your news feed is filled with people, information, and opportunities that are specific to you and your current projects.
• Nowadays, information travels so fast that it loses value quickly, so it is better to trade it than to hoard it. To access information, tap into the periphery of your online network. That’s where a lot of information about innovation exists.
• Robert Scobe is a “new breed” of networker who relies on social media. Some of his recommendations to build your online network include:
  • Be like a canary in a mineshaft. Create a web of relationships that goes out in every direction but with all conduits leading back to you.
  • The growing superpower of weak ties. Contrary to what many people believe, it is important to build 25,000 relationships through social media.
  • Turn the volume up. People think connecting to the Fringe devalues real friendships, but that’s nonsense. However, you do need to create a structure to curate and filter to distinguish valuable information from noise. Know why you follow the people you follow.
  • Emphasize diversity in your online network. Research shows that accumulated IQ from a diverse group is higher than that of a homogeneous group, even if their individual IQs are higher.
  • The best online filter is offline. The best online networking crosses back and forth between real life and the virtual world without overemphasizing either. Let offline guide initial connections and use online interactions for maintenance.
  • Embrace the microcelebrity. Connect with those people who are not necessarily famous among millions but famous among those important to your life’s mission. You can rely on your Relationship Action Plan.
  • Know the value of the little fish. Don’t spend your time just focusing on the bigger fish or prominent influencers. Instead, spend time fishing tomorrow’s big fish. Look for great ideas, uncommon smarts, fresh faces, and openness.
  • Tame LinkedIn.Connect only with people you feel comfortable reaching out to. 

Chapter 23: Becoming the King of Content

• To build trust online beyond your personal circle of people, you need to find a way to show your humanity. The key is through creating content – articles, blog posts, profiles, status updates, etc. – that communicates your values and focuses on what builds relationships.
  • The formula is generosity + vulnerability + accountability + candor = trust.
  • Try to be authentic. Be yourself and people are more likely to trust you.
• Explore the possibility of being radically honest. Don’t just broadcast successes. Admit that you’re human. The following are some key elements to make connections flourish:
  • Generosity. Show up, listen, and share ideas online.
  • Join the conversation before it starts. Attract followers by engaging in conversations.
  • Speak a language that matters. What you share with the world needs to have value. Share information that solves problems.
  • Give your tweets legs. Tweets and posts about yourself aren’t usually of interest to others. Give people something useful.
  • Whenever possible, co-create. Invite others, and create a community.
  • Vulnerability. Be brave (and smart) about how you share information. Focus on becoming irreplaceable and unique. Try the following:
    • Blend anecdotes with utility.
    • Go public with failure.
    • Post with pictures.
  • Accountability. Take a bold position and stay put despite criticism.
  • Become your own editor-in-chief. Create your own content and stick to your personal brand.
  • Be consistent. Keep your social media profiles in sync.

Chapter 24: Engineering Serendipity

• In this context, serendipity refers to meeting and connecting with new people, those who you don’t know you need to know. This is particularly challenging. But you can engineer serendipity.
  • Be open to opportunities that appear by chance.
  • Create a network so broad that it naturally incubates the unexpected.
  • Plant yourself at the center of an online community.
• With globalization came constant change and more competition. The technology useful today can become obsolete tomorrow. Mastering the art of serendipity will help you adjust to change and know things ahead of time. Hacks to create this kind of network include:

1. 1. Be Where It’s At. Mastering social media and having a Fringe network allows serendipity to occur spontaneously. Consider physical geography as well (e.g., Silicon Valley).
   2. Let Diversity Find You. Spend time in other cities or countries, attend conferences, meet people and learn new things.
   3. Create a Force Field. Make an effort to frequent places where you can interact with people. Make sure you exhibit body language that suggests you are approachable and want to talk (e.g., avoid staring at your smartphone screen).

• • Create a force field in which people feel safe. Show curiosity, generosity, passion, and humility. Create opportunities and build trust.

1. 4. Passion is a possibility engine. Passion drives engagement. If you share ideas, enthusiasts will follow.
   5. Operational Mindset: Optimism. Don’t plan your life to the tiniest detail. You won’t let luck strike. The future is dynamic and not under your control. Be optimistic.
   6. Make It Matter (by Learning and Doing). Create opportunities for supportive, in-person encounters. Attend workshops and conferences, and surround yourself with people who have similar values as yours, where you’ll learn and meet people.

Section 5 – Trading Up and Giving Back

Chapter 25: Be Interesting

• The strategies presented in this book won’t help you very much if you are unable to become someone worth talking to or talking about. Everyone you meet will unconsciously ask themselves if you’re someone they want to spend their time with. Make it so that the answer is yes.
• To be more interesting, become an expert in an area of interest. Have a unique point of view. Being known beyond simple notoriety means that you’re known for something specific. That’s respect. To obtain that level of respect, you have to have a unique point of view and expertise.
• A unique point of view ensures that you’ll always have a job. Today’s market values creativity more than it does expertise or general knowledge. If you can do something that anyone else can do, you become easily replaceable (there’s always someone willing to do it for less). The following are some tips to help you become interesting and an expert:

1. 1. Be at the forefront of emerging trends and opportunities. Foresight will give you the flexibility to adapt. Creativity will help you take advantage of it.
   2. Ask questions. Questioning things leads to innovative ideas. Think of Tom Hanks in the movie Big.
   3. Know yourself and your talents. Focus on cultivating your strengths (rather than obsessing over the skills and talents you lack) so that your weaknesses matter less.
   4. Always learn, progress, and self-develop.
   5. Stay healthy. Take care of your mind, body, and spirit. Staying healthy includes your sleep and rest time.
   6. Expose yourself to unusual experiences.
   7. Don’t get discouraged. Passion keeps you going even in the toughest times.
   8. Know the new technology.
   9. Develop your niche. Focus on a specific area in your organization where you can improve performance.
   10. Follow the money. Creativity won’t serve much if you cannot apply it.

Chapter 26: Build Your Brand

• Every choice we make, from our clothes to our conversation style and hobbies, forms a distinct identity — which has become particularly important in today’s economy.
  • We need to develop a personal brand defined by a personal message and by content that builds competitive advantage.
  • Your content is your expertise and your humanity (generosity, vulnerability, accountability, candor). It’s also what guides your brand.
• Good personal brands provide a credible yet distinctive identity, project a compelling message, and attract people to your cause.
• Within a network, your brand helps establish your worth, taking your mission and broadcasting it to the world. Ultimately, it tells others why they should want to connect with you.
• There are three main steps to follow to create an identity:

1. 1. Develop a Personal Branding Message. A personal brand is a mental image that pops into someone’s mind when they hear or see your name. The best brand has a distinct message that transmits your unique value proposition.
      • Take your skills and passions, and find a place in the marketplace where you can best apply them.
   2. Package the Brand. Image counts. People’s impressions and judgments often come from visuals. It’s important to take the time to think about your appearance. Think about what your style is telling or signaling others.
   3. Broadcast Your Brand. You have to become invaluable. To do so, you need to become your own PR agent. The next chapter covers this point in more detail.

Chapter 27: Broadcast Your Brand

• To make yourself known and familiar – to extend your reach and recognition – you need to work on your level of visibility. The only approach to this is through self-promotion.
  • People who are known are more valuable, find jobs more easily, and rise the corporate ladder faster. Their networks expand without extreme effort.
• To promote your personal brand, you can rely on the following strategies:

1. Pop the Bubble. The filter bubble refers to how social media and search engines use imperfect algorithms to filter content. Breaking through this bubble and grabbing others’ attention requires that you create content that gets continually shared. To do so,
   1. Rely on visuals: photos, infographics, animated gifs, etc., are all more likely to be shared and catch someone’s eye.
   2. Show emotions: although positive emotions are better, studies show content that “arouses” people is more often shared. Arousing emotions can be both positive or negative, e.g., awe, amusement, joy, and anger. Caring is sharing. Share something that matters.
   3. Curate content: the best strategy to produce viral content is not creation but curation. Pull links that already exist; that is, use words people are using and rely on topics people are talking about.
2. Manipulate the Media. Public relations firms work to shape and control companies’ images. Similarly, you have to get your message out to the world in a way that is consistent with your personal brand.
   • Start with your network and everyone you meet. Talk about why you are doing what you are doing and how you can do it for them. Then, expand to other networks by creating a buzz.
   • In marketing, influentials are people who ignite the buzz: people that adopt products early and make them trendy. Identify those people and get your brand in front of them.
   • Get your story to journalists too. Build a relationship with the media before you have a story they can write. Establish yourself as a willing and accessible source of information. Only then can you send them your story.

• An action plan to create a PR strategy requires you to:
  • Manage your own media. E.g., send a press release to the journalists in your network. Two or three memorable paragraphs are enough.
  • Know the media landscape. Spend time reading the articles published by the magazine or journal in which you’re interested. Know the audience.
  • Work the angles. There are no new stories, just old stories told in a new way. Find that innovative slant.
  • Think small. Start with local newspapers and then grow out.
  • Make reporters happy: never blow off an interview or ignore a call.
  • Learn to be brief, concise, and to the point.
  • Don’t be annoying. If you get rejected, simply ask what you need to do to get published.
  • Be cautious about what you share. Nothing is off the record.
  • Make sure that your efforts feed into your mission and not your ego.
  • Be a name-dropper. The media is always looking for recognizable names and faces.
  • Once an article gets published, send it around.
  • Enhance your profile in any way you can: do freelance projects, take extra jobs, teach a class or workshop, sign up for panel discussions, etc. 

Chapter 28: Getting Close to Power

• Newt Gingrich once said that a lion can use its hunting skills to capture field mice with relative ease. But, on mice alone, the lion will starve. The moral of the story is that despite the risk and extreme effort, it’s worth your time to hunt the antelope.
  • Ferrazzi urges you to think, are you connecting only with field mice? Focus on reaching out to the sort of people who can impact your life and those of others.
• Power by association refers to the power that arises from being identified with influential people. These are politicians, reporters, media personalities, etc., who help enhance your profile outside of your organization.
• A challenge you will likely face is that, as we reach out to the “celebrities” we’re eager to meet, they will probably have little interest in meeting us. There is no one easy strategy to get close to them. But you do need to pursue these people with good intentions and without being manipulative.
  • There will come a time when your growing influence will put you in a position where you’ll be able to meet someone like this. When you do, keep in mind that they are people who face the same emotions we do: pride, sadness, hope, etc. Don’t show interest in their fame but in them and their interests. Share how you can help them with their goals.
• Some places where you can find people on the rise or who have risen include Young Presidents Organizations (YPO), political fundraisers, conferences, nonprofit boards, sports places (especially golf), and online. Participate in their online chatter.

Chapter 29: Build It and They Will Come

• Many clubs are very selective in their membership because people want to congregate with others with similar interests and where the environment facilitates making business. When you can’t join a specific club, create your own (e.g., the start of TED talks).
• When doing this, be clear about your unique selling proposition. It can be a hobby, an area of expertise, a passion for a cause, etc.
• Start with a group of friends and have them bring their friends. Over time, the organization will grow. If you can’t meet in person, take advantage of the affordance of new technology and create social media groups that meet on Zoom (or similar) once a month.
• As long as an association of people meets, you’ll find a benefit from belonging to something larger than yourself.

Chapter 30: Never Give In to Hubris

• The pursuit of power and networking is not a bad thing. However, as you get closer to powerful people, you’ll start to feel powerful as well. When this happens, be careful with vanity and pride. Everyone fails in life.
• Ferrazzi tells of a time when he was at Yale and he ran for City Council of New Haven. In his effort to build a campaign, he somehow caught the eye of Bill Buckley. When they met, there appeared to be some sort of miscommunication where Ferrazzi left the meeting thinking that Mr. Buckley was going to donate and contribute to a conservative foundation at Yale.
• Ferrazzi acknowledges that he shared the news with the world and that he gave into pride. Eventually he found out Mr. Buckley didn’t even remember him, and he had no intention to donate any money. All the pledges Ferrazzi had received went unrealized, Mr. Buckley never returned his calls, and his friends never came to his rescue.
• The main lessons Ferrazzi learned from this experience include:
  • He changed his leadership style. He understood getting things done wasn’t enough. He also needed to make people around him feel involved.
  • He learned commitments aren’t commitments unless everyone has absolute clarity.
  • He learned that the world is really small.
  • He learned that arrogance will betray you. It will make you forget about the people who really matter: your friends.
  • Finally, he learned that, no matter what, we always need to be humble. Help others up the mountain along with or even before you.

Chapter 31: Find Mentors, Find Mentees. Repeat

• Mentoring is a particularly effective way to get the best out of each individual. Whomever you associate with will impact who you become.
• Two crucial components make mentorship successful:

1. 1. People will offer guidance as long as they receive something in return. It can be something like making their firms or organizations more successful.
   2. Create a situation that goes beyond utility, where mentor and mentee care for each other and become emotionally invested. This requires the mentee’s loyalty.

• The best way to create a successful mentorship is to give help first. Many people simply come asking for help. But if you need someone’s knowledge, find a way to be useful to that person as well. If there aren’t any immediate opportunities to help, be prudent. Sometimes asking for help is an imposition.
• Mentors are all around us. They don’t necessarily have to be your boss or someone in your company. Mentorship doesn’t even have to be hierarchical. It can transcend careers and cross-organizational levels.
• If you want to build a mentoring relationship, invest time and energy. If you do, as a mentor or mentee, you’ll receive information, be in the goodwill of a lot of people, and will learn while you teach.
• In your effort to connect with others, never give up on your values. Choose your network wisely, and they will help you fight the causes you believe in.

Chapter 32: Balance Is BS

• Society has instilled in us the idea that we need to strive for balance. But balance is not an equation or an effort to find exact equilibrium on both sides of the scale. Balance is a mindset. And it is individual; it will look different for every single one of us.
  • When you’re out of balance, you will feel rushed, angry, and unfulfilled. When you’re balanced, you’ll find joy, enthusiasm, and even gratitude in what you do.
• A common mistake we make in seeking balance is to compartmentalize aspects of life, such that work and fun can’t happen at the same time. For Ferrazzi, a relationship-driven career is a way of living. He argues that connecting is a way of seeing the world. And he finds joy in that process.
• You can’t love your life if you hate work. Yet most of the time, work itself is not the problem. Often, it’s the people with whom we worth. But through connections, you acquire mobility.
• Another problem in American culture is the growing tendency of individualism. With it and the constant online distractions, people are increasingly living in relative isolation.
  • Ferrazzi uses the term refrigerator friendships to describe close relationships with people in which they can come into your house, open up the fridge, and help themselves. But this type of close and intimate relationship is less and less common.
• Studies show that individualist cultures report higher levels of stress than community-oriented cultures. Thus, Ferrazzi argues that the key to finding balance is to build an intimate community.

Chapter 33: Welcome to the Connected Age

• In the digital era, geographic boundaries are disappearing, and people can connect more easily. There is no reason to live or work in isolation.
• In a study performed in 1986, the best predictor of college success was not any of the traditional metrics such as GPA or SAT scores. It was the ability of people to create and join study groups.
• Making the best use of your contacts and talents isn’t about your personal success in terms of income or promotions. Instead, it is about leaving a mark as a connector: impacting your friends, company, community, and even the world.
• Our deepest desires are not for fame or wealth or power. What we strive for is meaning. To live a life that matters, we need to leave the world just a little different than what it was.
• Take the time to understand who you are and what you really want. What is your passion? What gives you ultimate pleasure? How can you make a difference?
• Just like creativity creates more creativity, or friends beget more friends, giving begets giving, and success leads to success. Love, reciprocity, and knowledge are not bank accounts that grow smaller as you use them. The more you use them, the more they grow.
• From his personal experience, Ferrazzi contends that the answers to what you want to do in life and how you can impact the world will come from working together with people.